Monday, August 31, 2009

"Life has a funny way of sneaking up on you..."

a.k.a. "The World's Longest Post". If you manage to make it all the way to the end of this crazy train I call a blog post, more power, kudos, my sincerest thanks and deepest appologies to you.

("Ironic" by Alanis Morissette).

So I started this blog all gung-ho, lost 12 pounds, and fizzled. I started again, and fizzled before even getting off the ground. Rinse and repeat. Rinse. and. repeat. And then I started my crazy 30 pounds in 11 weeks challenge, lasted not even two weeks, and what do you know? Fizzle fizzle bo bizzle. (I'm in a unique mood today, can you tell?)

Last week, I was just about to write a post about how I'm guessing I'm just not ready to really get into it. How I don't really have the motivation or drive. How I'm just not really caring right now, because, unfortunately, all of those things were (and pretty much are) 100% true.

Prep for whining here... I'm tired of it. I'm tired of attempting when I'm not really whole-heartedly in it, and then failing miserably. I'm annoyed and just generally over it. And with an attitude like that, I'm pretty sure failure is eminent. Resistance is futile. Danger, Will Robinson. Which ever entertainment quote you want to put there, it pretty much means I ain't losin' no weight. I ain't getting any healthier. I don't know nuthin' 'bout birthin' no babies.

Which is quite the delightful segue into why I'm writing this post now, instead of last week. Prep for what might possibly be TMI. I was due for my yearly with my ob/gyn, and since The Hubs and I are getting up there in age (ah, 27, I never would have guessed you'd make me feel elderly, but alas) and need to start looking into family planning, I made an appointment for us to meet. I found a new doc closer to my job, and we met her on Wednesday.

Prep for shock. I have diabetes. (Okay, maybe if you've paid attention to my rambling at all over the past 8 months, that's not a shock). Diabetes makes me a high-risk pregnant woman if I were to conceive. Like, seriously, high-risk. Not "oh, well, we'll just keep an eye on it,". More like guaranteed bed rest for months, tons of testing and monitoring, possible insulin shots, blood sugar checks at least five times a day, doctor's visits at least three times a week toward the end of the pregnancy. That kind of high-risk. Now, doesn't that sound fun? Yeah, we thought so too.

But, sensing the panic mode that The Hubs and I had painted all over our faces, she throws in this little piece of optimism: if I can maintain my A1c at 5.5 for at least two months before we conceive, I'm no longer considered a high-risk pregnancy, and my pregnancy will be just like any other pregnancy except for the fact that I'm pretty much guaranteed gestational diabetes, which she believes can easily be controlled with oral medications.

Btw, for you non-diabetics, an A1c is a blood test that basically tells you what your average blood glucose levels have been over the past 3 months. Magically. Don't ask me how it does it, because my knowledge ends there. Someone without diabetes usually has an A1c at around 5%, and someone with diabetes that is out of control might be between 10 and 25%. From what I understand, if you're at 25%, you're pretty much dead.

So basically, she's telling me what my regular doctor has been telling me for a year. I need to reverse my diabetes. How do you reverse diabetes and lower your A1c? Oh, it's simple really. Diet and exercise. Lose weight. Or, re-visit and attempt to break (again. again. again. AGAIN.) that crazy cycle of "Gung-Ho, Fizzle Fizzle Bo Bizzle". Great! Fabulous! I'll get right on that. Ugh.

So we came home from that appointment and I basically laid down in bed and cried for an hour and a half. Cried and cried and cried. She had pretty much told me that all of the hopes and dreams of not only myself, but my husband, all rested on my (completely incapable) shoulders. I have to lose weight. I have to control my blood sugar. I have to do it. And if I don't? WE can't have kids. WE can't have kids because I'm fat and lazy. No pressure or anything. I'm already feeling incapable, unmotivated, ready to retreat into fatness for a little while longer, and then this happens.

(And, yes, technically, we could get pregnant. We could have kids, but the chances of them having birth defects practically quadruples, not to mention the danger to myself and the drama of being a high-risk pregnancy. I just don't think I could live with myself knowing that it was all my fat and lazy fault if our kid was messed up and my husband had to go through all that. So, no. We can't have kids unless I get my A1c down).

Weight loss: FAIL. Kids: FAIL. Good wife: FAIL. Man, I'm really sucking these days!

So where's the light at the end of the tunnel? Where's the silver lining? Where's the Eternal Optimist that you all know and love? She's here, muffled and squirming under about 50 pounds of extra weight, excited about the prospect of being pregnant and having a baby, but just a little too jaded to go straight into "Gung-ho" again. The task before me is monumentally more real and challenging knowing what is relying upon my success. I'm sure most of you are just dying to send me that comment that says "You can do it! You have a reason now! You have motivation!" and you might be right. Hopefully this is the catalyst for me finally doing the thing that I've never been able to do.

But past failures have planted that seed of doubt, and current moods are watering it daily. I wish I were able to just forget about that little, nagging voice saying "You have failed. You always fail. You will fail. Every single time before, look what you did! This is no different". But I can't. It's there, and I'm unconvinced at the moment that I can beat it down into submission. Even for a baby.

This is not to say that I'm not going to try. Hell yes, I'm going to try. I basically have 9 months before we would like to be trying for a baby, which means about 6 months to get my A1c to an acceptable level and maintain it long enough to eliminate the extra worries of the diabetic, high-risk pregnancy. My A1c in December of 2008 was 6.7. My A1c on Friday was 6.4. It is moving in the right direction, but there is still a long way to go.

It's a long, hard road out of diabetic hell, and I just have to figure out how to get my wheels turning.

5 comments:

Jack Sh*t, Gettin' Fit said...

Well, now at least you really know what the stakes are. Before it was a theoretical possibility. Now it's a given.

You can change this. It's in you to do it but you've got to throw yourself into it like you haven't thus far. You've got to commit...

Here's the good news: when you really do buy in and make that leap of faith, the whole deal gets easier. And a ton more satisfying.

Sorry for your bad news... but I know you're going to use it to drive yourself to a better place.

It all starts now...

Lyndsey said...

(hugs) sorry this is all so scary and real. i don't have any real advice because i do the same as you. start, fizz. start, fizz. i haven't lost any weight in the last month and i actually gained weight last week. and i ate a whole bag of chips in the last two days. sigh.

lately i've been thinking that maybe i can't do this the way i wanted to. i thought that i could be one of those people who could make small changes and see results and not have to change my whole life. i thought i could still have the stuff i wanted sometimes as long as i didn't overindulge. i now understand why alcoholics can't have "just one beer." sigh.

i've come to a semi-decision that i'm not comfortable with and i'm rebelling against: if i want to do this for real, if i want to REALLY lose weight i need to (wo)man up and make SERIOUS changes. no more cheating. no more just on saturdays. no more i don't feel like it today. i'm teetering by the edge of jumping in and so far i just haven't been able to do it... but i think maybe you're in the same situation? you try to do a little without changing too much? maybe you just need to accept that you and your hub (so much easier if you have company) need to make drastic changes to how you live your life. and when/if you do-- please let me know how bc i'm still struggling!

sarah said...

You can change this. You know you can and you know you have it in you do it. We all can change our bodies when we put our minds to it. It takes a lot of hard work and dedication to do that. It takes time. It isn't going to happen overnight, as much as we want it to. But when you are truly ready to do it, you will do it. You can only do it for yourself, no one else.

Right now you and I are in the same weight. I am trying to lose weight to have a baby because my doctor told me I should not get pregnant now because I'm too heavy. Plus I don't want to gain more weight and have MORE to lose once I have a baby. And I don't want to put my baby at any risks. My only health risks are my weight, everything else is normal.

Now that you know you have diabetes, you may have a new outlook on life and start changing your mind now.

*hugs*

jeniszen said...

"You have failed. You always fail. You will fail. Every single time before, look what you did! This is no different".

Holy crap. How did MY head voice travel the distance and influence YOUR head voice? Honey, if we figure that out we can bottle it and sell it (once we make the voice an optimist, of course) and then get rich enough to just buy ourselves brand new shiny bodies.

Until we figure that out, however, we're on this road together. I gained 7.1 pounds in August.

But for now, babe, just until the dust from the bomb drop settles...all you have to do is breathe. There is no need for a plan RIGHT NOW. Give yourself a few days. Take a long meandering walk. You'll be amazed at the shit you work out when you're wandering aimlessly.

No matter what...you've got a friend in me.

Go ahead. Sing it. :-)

Sara said...

I'm a weight loss failure from WAY back. Have I fizzled? Fo Shizzle.

But one day I woke up and realized that the magical finish line out there in the distance, the one that I'd been trying (and failing) to get to for most of my life, the one that I KNEW that if I could only stay the course and cross that I'd finally get to live the real life that waited for me beyond the fat?

It. Doesn't. Exist.

All that crap they hand us about the key to permanent weight loss being permanent lifestyle changes? Turns out that's all true. Maybe if we could all stop focusing on an imaginary end point we could stop hating ourselves for not reaching it in "x" amount of time.

Maybe someday...