"I ain't got much to lose, cuz I've seen better days..."

("I've Seen Better Days" by Sublime).

251.4

Down a measley 0.2 pounds, but a loss is a loss. Especially when I was expecting a gain.

This week, my food intake has been HORRIBLE. I went out for lunch every single day. I ate out for dinner twice. Yesterday, The Hubs surprised me by coming to work and taking me out to lunch. We had B-dubs (a weakness of mine) and I didn't even try to make good choices. And then I felt bad, because Thursdays are Last Chance days before my Friday 20/20 weigh-in, so I went home and had one piece of whole wheat bread with a little peanut butter for dinner.

I'm pretty sure that's not how this whole diet thing is supposed to go.

Last night was W3D2 for c25k. It's the very first time in this whole adventure that I've had to tweak the workout. I did the 1.5m run/walk, and then did the 3m run. After I completed it, both of my legs started cramping up from the knee to the ankle. Not just my calves, either. The whole damn leg - 360 degrees of burning pain. I had to stop half way through my 3m walk and sit down to wait for the cramping to stop. Once it did, I got back on, kept on schedule, finished the rest of my 3m walk and did the whole cycle over again. Once I made it to 25 minutes, you can bet I was off of that damn treadmill.

And then I felt bad. Crappy. Disappointed. Annoyed.

I promised myself that I would finish 5k every time I get on the treadmill, and at that point, I had barely gone over a mile. I had no choice but to get back on. I took it a little slower than I normally do, since my legs were still letting me know that they weren't at all happy, and would much rather be chilling on the comfy couch watching bad tv. I finished 5k in about 67 minutes. 10 minutes over my fastest 5k time, but I knew I had to go slower or I wouldn't finish at all. Once I completed the 5k, I hopped off, thinking I should now feel like I accomplished something.

But I didn't.

I still felt like I hadn't done anything. I stopped during my c25k, I stopped after my c25k, and it took me over an hour to finish 5k. I felt like a total failure, even though I logically know that an hour on the treadmill is good no matter what.

So I hopped back on the treadmill for the fourth time last night. Ugh. In the end, I ended up spending a cumulative two hours on the damn thing. (Partially to try to make myself feel accomplished, and partially to see what would happen when my treadmill timer hit 99:99). The counter says I burned off over 800 calories, and I went 5.6 miles, but I just can't shake the doom and gloom.

It's disheartening. To have 2 weeks of above average weight loss, and then to lose 0.2 pounds. And to know that you've got no one to blame but yourself. And to kick your own ass at cardio (I've done over 200 minutes of cardio so far this week) but for it to all be for nothing, since you put nothing but junk in your body all week. And to have something proven to you that you already knew was true, but just didn't want to accept: you can't half-ass this stuff.

I can't eat what ever I want, and then hope that killing myself on the treadmill will fix it. It's almost the same mentality as being Bulimic - to eat everything in sight, and then "fix" it by throwing up? I was doing the same thing this week. Of course, my "purge" was through the use of a treadmill, but I don't think it's any different. And that scares me a little.

I've got to realize and accept that there has to be a balance. I have to eat well and work out. I can't just do one or the other.

My goal for next week is to get to -10 pounds. I'm only 1.4 pounds away, and I'm making it a priority to do it the right way this time.

Have a great weekend and a Happy Easter, all.