Like money in the (virtual) pocket...

So, I'm generally not lucky. At all.

But a couple of weeks ago, that changed just a little bit, yay me! I got an email saying that I had been randomly chosen as a winner because I had signed up to be on the Consumer Panel for Kroger. Woot!

What did I win, you ask?

$100, deposited to my very own Paypal account.

Now, here's where I need your help, dear friends. What, oh what, should I spend my not-so-hard-earned money on? Help!

Do you see what I see?

Sweat makes you beautiful. End of story.

Just for today...(UPDATE)

I will eat all meals in-house. check - that was hard, considering the cash in my pocket just begging to be spent at a fast food restaurant.

I will eat healthier meals. mostly check. some processed foods, but counted calories and had more servings of fruits and veggies in one day than I usually get in a week, or month, sometimes.

I will cut down on snacks. mostly check. still had cashews and jelly beans (my current snacks of choice) but instead of eating directly out of the container, I poured out servings of each and didn't return for more.

I will move my ass. check - the weather was great, so after dinner, I went out for a brisk walk around our neighborhood. Did 3 loops, about 45 minutes worth, and I'm guessing 2.5-3 miles.

Just today. I'll give myself a B+.

Just for today...

I will eat all meals in-house.

I will eat healthier meals. 

I will cut down on snacks.

I will move my ass.

Just today.

Found it!

Remember back when I started this blog? Remember when I was gung ho about losing weight? Remember when I actually lost some of it?!

Found it!

Whether it is because of that evil Actos causing my extreme hunger, the fatigue that comes with being fat and/or lazy, or something completely different, who knows? All I know is that I now weigh 263.0 pounds. Which means that since my doctor's visit on 3/1, I have gained more than 10 pounds. In a little over a month.

Ten Pounds.

In a month.

Yep. It deserves to be bolded and italicized. It's beyond ridiculous. While part of me knows that at least some of the weight gain is caused by the medication and therefore (slightly) beyond my control, the rest of me knows that I still make the choice to shove the food in my mouth. I still chose to sit on my ass. So, therefore, I have no one to blame but myself.

However, (da dada daaaaaaaaaaaaaaa) The Eternal Optimist strikes again! I have a few things going in my favor as of late.

1) I am seriously out of time to lose weight before we try to get pregnant, which means NO. MORE. PROCRASTINATING!

2) I am self-medicating. Or, rather, self-un-medicating as the case may be, and declaring war on Actos. (Conspiracy theory rant coming, be warned...)

Here's my thought on the subject: Actos is a drug that helps to control your diabetes by making your cells less insulin resistant. However, one of the widespread side effects of actos is extreme hunger and weight gain. (See above.) Therefore, my hypothesis is that the drug is only produced as a money-making machine (hello, $140/month!) that helps to control the symptoms, but perpetuates the disease. The more weight you gain, the longer - and worse - your diabetes will be, thus needing the prescription for longer/higher doses.

It is not a long-term solution to my diabetes problem, and I see it as a waste of money. With my current insurance plan (if you can call it that), I pay out of pocket for the first $6000 of my health care/prescriptions per year. $6000. Straight from my paycheck to the doctor/pharmacy/pharmaceutical company. I'm not going to pay $140 a month for a prescription that, in effect, forces me to become addicted to it.

So, yeah, suffice it to say that I'm not taking the Actos anymore. End rant.

3) My company started The Biggest Loser competition again! This year, it's in teams, which I find to be a nice method of accountability. Who wants to be known for dragging down their co-workers? Not I, said the fly.

I paid my $25 (more accountability!), and weighed in Friday during our company health screening. (Which, btw, I was forced to do if I didn't want to spend $600 more on my health insurance premiums, but that's another story). My health screening didn't tell me anything I didn't already know: OBESE! DIABETIC! SLIGHTLY PRE-HYPERTENSIVE, BUT REALLY GREAT CHOLESTEROL! At least it didn't get any worse, but it didn't get any better, fo' sho'. Ugh.

Anyway, this morning, I found out who my teammates are - an older (incredibly lovely) lady and a bodybuilder. No shit. This guy who started building muscle last year and just never stopped. And I ask you, why is he doing TBL? Why is he on my team? But, hey, maybe he's exactly what I need. We shall see.

4) My full-circle 5k is coming up! June 6th, I'll run the 5k that started it all - the very first 5k I ever "ran". I completed it in 47:37 last year, and I haven't yet decided what my goal should be this year. Should I make a time goal, or a distance running goal? Either way, I know that I want to finish faster and run more than I did last year. 
__________

And, I guess that's all for now. A rare weight-related post on my weight loss blog, imagine that! Hopefully I'll have more good stuff to report in the future. Stick with me, k? :-)

A bad idea.

I'm angry, and I shouldn't post when I'm angry. But I am, so there.

I love living in the USA. There are only a small handful of other countries in this world that I would even consider moving to. I appreciate the freedoms that I have. I appreciate the fact that I can (theoretically) be whatever I want to be when I grow up. I appreciate the fact that I am a woman with the right to vote. Other women before me fought long and hard for that, and I love them for it.

This is not to say that this country does not have issues. We've got a TON of issues. I get that too. Some of those issues are caused or made worse by people not in my political party, and some of them are caused or made worse by my own "people". Some things are caused or made worse just because in a country of 300,000,000, you're bound to have some crazies in the bunch.

I voted for Barack Obama. I stand behind that vote. Say or think what you will, but I'm absolutely, 100%, no-doubt-about-it proud of that and have no qualms about whether or not I did the right thing for myself and the country as a whole.

Having said that, I have to admit that I did not foresee that hiring him into this position would cause such scary division and pure, unadulterated hatred and just plain meanness in our country.

I identify with the "liberal" side of the spectrum, but that does not mean that you can fit me into every little peg on the "Liberal" board. I don't see why you need to try to, either.

Why does everything that Obama does have to mean the end of the world as we know it? Why can't people just take a step back and look objectively at things? Why is everyone so up-in-arms about every little thing? We aren't becoming a Socialist country. We will not be Communists. And far be it for someone to finally step in and try to give our own country the kind of healthcare that we spend so much money and effort trying to provide for third world countries.

All this completely random post is trying to say is: can't we all just get along? I'm sick of it.

Not as bad as it looks...

Fair warning: (1) I'm under the influence of Percoset, so this might not make sense, and (2) this is a boring post about my wisdom teeth removal. If you don't care, feel free to bypass this lovely post. But come back later, I might have something more interesting to talk about!

So, this was me after 2 hours at the doctor's office. It looks bad, but this whole wisdom teeth thing has been NOTHING near as bad as I thought it was going to be.

The Hubs and I got to the office about 10 minutes before my appointment time. It was nice that we didn't have to fill out any paperwork today since I had filled everything out on the day of my consultation. So we just waited. And the more I waited, the more nervous I got. Luckily, I only had to wait about 10 minutes before they called me back.

Let me say this: the people in that office were the NICEST people I have ever delt with at a doctor's office. And not just pretending to be nice or humoring the patient. They were genuinely kind and nice and it made my whole experience that much better.

Anyway, they took me back into one of the rooms (which were very colorful, btw, one wall was green, another light blue, etc. It was very calming for some reason) and the ladies wasted absolutely no time hooking me up to stuff. Blood pressure cuff, heart monitors on 3 spots, IV, and pulse ox monitor on my finger.

And then I waited.

The ladies made a big effort to talk to me and keep me occupied while the doctor was finishing up with his other patient (apparently a 7 year old little boy who was a trooper), and we talked about Nancy Grace (ugh), the fact that it was supposed to snow that night (ugh), and those little seed pod things that fall from the trees here in early summer. I don't know what the technical name is, but we call them helicopters. (editors note: The Hubs says they're maple seeds, so thereyougo.) Strange topics of conversation, but it kept me from thinking about the fact that I was making several things beep and I had an IV in my arm, and that they were about to put me to sleep and tear up my mouth.

I had finally had enough of the chit chat and was starting to get a little stir crazy when the doc showed up. I couldn't help myself and said "finally!" when he walked through the door and everyone laughed. He came over and started chatting with me about how I was feeling, all the while, covertly pushing lovely little meds into my IV. The last thing I remember, one of the nurses put the little piggy-snout oxygen thing over my nose, and I remember briefly thinking that the seal wasn't very good on the bottom part of my nose, so what if I wasn't getting the right amount of oxygen. And then I was out.

The next thing I remember, I was in the post-op room with a couple other people. I asked the post-op nurse how I got in that room, and she laughed and told me I rode in a wheelchair, which I have absolutely no recollection of. I remember laying in that chair and continuing to look at the clock, thinking, I can't believe it's already 10 am...I've been here for a long time! (It was really only about an hour since the surgery had started, but it felt WAY longer than that). They put me in a wheelchair and wheeled me out to the car, where The Hubs was waiting to drive me home.

Since I've been home, the teeth (or lack thereof, I guess, lol) have been WAY less painful than I expected it to be. I think the "head bra", as my doctor called it, holding ice against my jaws has really helped with the pain and swelling. And Percosets certainly don't hurt, either. My left side, with the two partially impacted/partially broken through teeth barely hurts at all right now, but the right side, with only the one wisdom tooth that was completely impacted in my lower jaw is pretty sore. Sore, but not unbearable. I keep the "head bra" on as much as I can, and I take the meds as I'm supposed to, and I'm doing just fine.

All in all, this experience has been as great as a surgery could be. The doctors and nurses were beyond awesome, the pain has been very bearable, and The Hubs has been an awesome caretaker (as always). If you've been needing to have it done and haven't (Kate and Sarah, lol) find a good doctor, or come to Cincinnati and use mine, and you'll be fine!

Thanks again to everyone for the well wishes and the pity party! I appreciate it! And I'm glad to say I'm doing really well after something I thought was going to be miserable.

I'm sure the pity party helped. :-)

Bye bye, smartie pants.

Tomorrow. Ugh.

I'm not sure if I mentioned this previously, but tomorrow I get to experience one of the joys of adulthood. One of those things that a high percentage of 20-30 year old people get to go through. One of those 'necessary evils' of life.

Tomorrow I lose my wisdom (teeth).

Ugh.

Oh, and have I said "ugh" yet? No? Okay then, UGH.

I had my top right wisdom tooth removed many years ago, and I guess that guy wasn't an "above and beyond" kinda guy, so he just let my other 3 hang out. And now, the two on my left have partially broken through the skin, thus leaving a LOT of room for a fast and nasty infection (which I haven't gotten yet, thank you jeebus) and the remaining one on my right is COMPLETELY impacted into my lower jaw bone.

Isn't that special?

So, tomorrow, at 8:40 am, my loving husband is going to take me in. I know that this is not a life threatening surgery, and I know that it's not "major", but that really doesn't make it suck any less. It's not going to be fun. I don't want to do it, but I want it to be over with, so I'm glad that I only had to wait two weeks from my initial consultation to surgery day. I'll be off work Thursday and Friday, and then go back on Monday, wherein I have to do some new-hire training.

Let's hope I'm not completely miserable.

Pity party for one, please?

Brianne Marie

Brianne Marie arrived last night! Six weeks early, but doing good! 5lb. 1oz. and 18" long.

Congratulations, Tonja and Jason! She's absolutely beautiful.

I want one

Ketchup

Random things:

1. I have to have my 3 remaining wisdom teeth removed next Thursday. One of them is completely impacted into my jaw bone and the other two have partially broken through the skin. Fun times, kids. Fun times.

2. I hate Actos. This medicine, besides costing me a small fortune, has made my hands swell to the point that I can't wear my wedding rings, and makes me constantly hungry. Like, starving. Excellent.

3. Tonja is in labor right now. She's been on bedrest now for about 5 weeks since she started going into pre-term labor 11 weeks prematurely. At 33 weeks, last Wednesday, her water broke and she was admitted to the hospital. They told her that they would induce her in a week if Miss Brianne didn't come on her own. And here we are. Poor Tonja has been sitting in the hospital for a week, leaking amniotic fluid (it regenerates, did you know that?!), and now she's having a baby! Yay for little Miss Bri. The BFF and I are VERY excited for her arrival.

4. Spring has sprung, which makes me happy!

5. I started a new blog. Not the other new blog, a different new blog. I changed my mind...I'm a woman, I'm allowed. So instead of the mushy "letters to my baby" blog, which wasn't going to work with my desire to post about the ins and outs of my pregnancy (I doubt my kid wants to hear about my ovulation and fallopian tubes, lol) I started The Progeny Project. It's a lovely little TMI-fest, so consider yourself fairly warned. Also, come be a follower if you'd like to know about my cycles. :)

6. I miss blogging. That is all.

Diabetes Update

Had my 3 month A1c check-up on Monday. I was down a couple pounds, which the doctor was happy about. She basically said "It's winter. You didn't gain. That's a win". So I'll take it.

She said that since we have a very strict timeline as to when we want to get pregnant, she wanted to put me on another medication to help control my numbers. From what I understand, the Metformin that I'm on helps by increasing the insulin that my body produces. And apparently, that's not enough. So this new medication, Actos, works in addition to the Metformin, by helping my body become less insulin-resistant. "Combination Therapy" she called it. "Throw yet another pill into the mix" I heard. But if it's gonna get my numbers to where they need to be so that I can have a healthy baby, I'll do it.

You wanna hear the downside? I picked up my prescription - 30 teeeny tiiiny pills. $139.22.

$139.22

This is 30 pills. So small that they all fit inside the lid of the bottle. Ridiculous, I tell you.

Diabetes is expensive.

All the more reason for me to try to get my numbers down naturally. I can't afford these pills throughout the duration of my pregnancy, and I can't afford an unhealthy baby. I have 3 months to get these numbers down to where they need to be. The more I can do that with diet and exercise, the better off we'll all be in the long (and short) run.

To start, I did over an hour with Mr. Treadmill last night. 500 calories burned. Good stuff. The hard part is never actually staying on the treadmill. The hard part is just stepping on to the damn thing. Forcing, bribing, or talking myself into that is wherein my struggle lies. That is what I have to get better at.

Now, which one of you is going to volunteer to show up at my doorstep to make me?

I did it...

I forced myself to keep my date with Mr. Treadmill. It was lovely, and I'm glad I did. :)

That's two dates this week...it might be getting serious...

Ugh.

I have a date with Mr. Treadmill tonight. I so want to stand him up.

Will she or won't she? The mystery and intrigue continues...

Coming Attractions

It's almost March, which means some good stuff is coming my way...

February 28th: Family birthday party. As if I'd let you forget, my birthday is March 9th. This party is for my cousin who turned 16 on Valentine's Day, The Hubs, who turned 31 on February 1st, and me.

March 7th: Oscar Night Gala. Remember how I posted about my volunteer day with People Working Cooperatively? Every year, they host one of the 50 officially sanctioned Oscar Night parties across the country. My company bought a table at the Gala and MFN and I (plus 8 other work peeps) are getting all dressed up in our fanciest-schmanciest dresses and partake in free booze and gourmet food. Plus we get to watch the Oscars on the big screen and get an official Oscars program.

March 9th: My 28th birthday. Woot.

March 10th: Bridal Show at The BFF's reception location.

March 11th: MFN's birthday. Have I ever mentioned that I'm exactly 2 days older than her?

March 13th: MFN and I are celebrating our birthdays with a little dinner and game night with our peeps. Should be a good time.

I'm excited!

Whatever it takes...

Does it really matter what the motivation is for me to get on the treadmill tonight?

A year ago, it was so that I could be healthy and cute.

Earlier today, my motivation was the thought of getting pregnant.

Tonight, it's because I found out that some people from my past are going to be at an event in the future, and I would really love an 'in your face' moment.

Again, I ask, does it matter? Because as far as I'm concerned, as long as I get on there, it's a win.

In case you're interested...

I've been thinking about starting a baby blog for a while now. (Yes, even though I'm not yet pregnant...).

I finally did it today. So if you're interested, you can follow my other blog here. I hope you'll visit! :)

You're just what I needed...

Started out in a bad mood today. Not really sure why, but then things just kept happening to perpetuate it. Sometimes people at work drive me nuts. Sometimes they ask me to do things that they themselves are perfectly capable of doing. Today both of those things were happening.

The bad part about all of this? I let it take control. I let my bad mood have its way with me for a little while, and that resulted in me replying very harshly to an email from The BFF. Under 'normal' circumstances, I never would have been so curt, short, and just down-right mean to her. And under NO circumstances is it okay. I replied to her, then went to a two-hour meeting that just succeeded in sending my bad day over the edge. When I came back to my desk and re-read my sent mail, I felt horrible. And I apologized.

But still, apologizing doesn't make someone immediately feel cleansed of the wrong-doing they did. (At least me, anyway...) So I was already having a bad day because of other people, and then added on top of that the bad day I had created for myself, and I was a mess.

So I went to lunch. I decided to go out somewhere and try a manual attitude adjustment as it were. I thought, I'll go out, I'll get out of this toxic office, I'll re-group, and I'll be good to go.

And, I'm not a religious person. I don't believe in God per se. I have a hard time convincing myself that we're all just puppets and that there's some big man in the sky who has planned our whole lives out for us. But, what happened next, I might just be able to chalk it up to a little divine intervention. Or a nice little coincidence, but tomayto, tomahto.

I sat down at a booth in the restaurant (Chick-fil-A, if you're curious), and there were two gentlemen in the booth directly next to me. The man with his back to me was probably in his early 40's, and the man facing me, in his late 20's, early 30's. I could tell that the younger gentleman was mentally challenged in some way, but I can't tell you exactly what it was. Anyway, they carried on a conversation and ate lunch together. The younger guy seemed very happy to be out and about, and just happy and genial in general.

When they finished, the younger gentleman passed my booth to throw away his trash. He stopped, turned to me, and said, "Have a nice day. I just think you are very pretty."

And that, right there, was the attitude adjustment I needed.

I know that it is sometimes uncomfortable to 'normal' people when special needs people say things that we normally wouldn't, but to me, that is one of their best qualities. To not be concerned about being embarrassed by what they say - to tell a complete stranger in a crowded restaurant that she is pretty - wouldn't the world be a better place if we all did that every once in a while?

You never know how you can change someone's day - even the smallest, inconsequential things - it just might be the attitude adjustment they needed.

So...

Two weeks ago, I ran a mile non-stop for the very first time in my life.

Then I did nothing.

Tonight, I ran a mile non-stop for the very second time in my life. And I did it 58 seconds faster.

What I'm learning from this is that I was always able to run a mile, I just never believed I could, and never cared enough to find out.

The first time, it was pretty easy. I didn't even start hurting until about 8/10 of a mile. Tonight, it was way harder. I didn't sleep well last night, I didn't wait very long after dinner for my food to digest, I've been super sore for the past 3-4 days for some unknown reason, and (tmi warning, my friends) TOM's visiting. Instead of breezing through 8/10 of a mile, I struggled through it.

Every. Single. Step.

I told myself I could quit at .5 mile. Then I got there and told myself I needed to see how much farter I could go. I got to .650 and wanted to quit so badly, but the OCD in me wanted to keep going until at least .75o, a much nicer number. Got to .750 and almost cried, I was so miserable. Luckily, the numbers were moving pretty quickly, so the suffering was not incredibly long-lived.

I made it to 1.000 for the 2nd time ever. So this means that no matter what, no matter the day, no matter how sucky it is, no matter how much I hurt, I can make it to 1.000.

No matter what.

Thoughts on yesterday.

Crazy day at work - my first MRI training session was a disaster (I'm training company-wide on a new software roll-out. Fun times). On the good side, it took up my whole afternoon so I didn't have time to get bored & hungry. Not sure if it's starting the Metformin again, but haven't really felt hungry today. No problem with eating today, but am a little sore from yesterday's workout. (That means it's working, I guess!)

Didn't work out at all today since I was dress shopping with The BFF and got home late. At least I had a good day calorie-wise (1100) and was still up and running around helping The BFF pick out dresses and get in and out of them - a workout in itself!

Surprised at how little calories were in my Noodles & Co. dinner - a small spaghetti and a ciabatta roll with 1 teeny tiny pat of butter = 550 calories! Good stuff! And a victory for me with making the right decisions when I'm unprepared. I'd never been there before, and didn't have a chance to check out the nutrition information before we went.

Trying not to feel guilty about no cardio today, but I'll get back to it tomorrow - it will be easier since I have no after work plans.

_______

Here in the mid-west, we're gearing up for a HUGE (read: 3-6 inches, lol) snow storm that is supposed to ruin our day tomorrow. It's all people at work can talk about, of course. It seems like snow storms absolutely RUIN our tri-state commutes about once a year - and on that one day, it takes 45 minutes to go two miles down the street (last year, no joke!), or four hours to make the 25 minute commute home. Those days are always fun and always make me lose my faith in the intelligence of the human species.

This year, I'm preparing. I'm packing my bags and some snacks, and if it's horrible out by the time I leave work, I'm going 2 miles down the street to the nearest hotel. Screw that four hour drive with stupids stuff. We'll see how it all goes, I guess.

Getting into the swing of things.

I love lists and forms. I'm one of those crazy people who actually likes paperwork. Crazy, I know. But anyway, I created a daily sheet to fill out. I'll upload a picture of it later, when I actually have one, but suffice it to say, it's amazing. It rocks. It's a Diabetic, OCD dieter's dream. (She said, ever so humbly...)

At the bottom, there is a place for notes from the day - how I was feeling, what I did, what's going on in my life, etc. You know, what people did before blogs - using pen and paper to write things down on...archaic, I know, but it's quick and simple.

At any rate, those notes will probably make up the majority of my blog posts while I'm working hard on losing this weight so I can get pregnant and miserable.

So here you go - yesterday's notes:

Day 1. Good so far. Felt hungry during the day, but had snacks handy to combat. Surprised at how little food I had with it still adding up to around 1500 calories. Still good, though. Tried 5-6 new poses on Wii Fit Yoga (love it!). Harder than it looks & harder than the "live" class I took. Can't do the "one knee lift" pose at all, or "tree" pose very well. My foot keeps slipping down my pants - lol. Surprisingly, completed the "chair" pose, but my legs shook the whole time. It's tough! Did three, 3-minute Wii runs and did 1.5 miles total on the treadmill. Ran the whole last half mile non-stop @ 3.5mph. I'm pretty stoked about that! MRI Training this week at work has me stressed, plus The Hubs going back to school. Feeling slightly overwhelmed but trying to stay positive. Wedding dress shopping with The BFF tomorrow should be a fun stress-reliever. Not sure how I will fit in the workout or what I'll be doing for dinner, though. :/ Bummed that I'll miss the first episode of TBL, but excited for The BFF to finally get to try on dresses rather than be a bridesmaid watching the bride.

2009...

Sure was an interesting year for me...

I started a blog and maintained it much more and longer than I thought I would.
I started and stopped (and started and stopped, and started and stopped) eating right and working out.
I lost (and kept off) 10 pounds for the first time ever.
I participated in FIVE 5k races.
I learned how to deal with a husband who is a full-time college student and a full-time third-shift employee.
I made a ton of new internet friends. (Hi y'all!)
I had a minor breakdown when I learned what it really meant to have Diabetes and want to get pregnant.

The BFF spent the year dealing with the big, honkin' tumor in her uterus. She also got engaged on Christmas Eve!

Tonja got married and is expecting her first baby (a girl, to be named Brianne Marie) in April.

MFN has somehow survived almost an entire year with a deployed husband. (Who will be home for two weeks at the end of this month! Yay!)

The Hubs and I came thisclose to buying a house. And then we didn't. We did buy a Wii, though. :)

I didn't do everything I set out to do when I wrote my first post. But I did lose weight, and I did do five 5ks, and most importantly, I learned A LOT. 2010 is just going to have to be the year I put all that learnin' to use. I have more tools at my disposal than I ever have, and I will never have a better reason than getting pregnant to motivate myself.

This is the year that it all happens. It has to be.

Five.

I was happy with four, really I was. That there's my problem, you see. I started out this year saying "Hell yeah, I'm gonna run five 5ks this year!" The first one sucked, but was exciting. The second, third and especially the fourth, really sucked and weren't quite as exciting as that first 5k high. I had the fifth one scheduled and then (miracle of miracles) I had to go to my Grandparents' 50th Anniversary that day and couldn't go to the race.

And you know what, besides a little disappointment, I was perfectly okay with not reaching my goal of five 5ks. I had made my peace with it, especially after the Cheetah Run absolutely kicked my ass.

Sure, there was a little nagging voice in my head saying "look, you need to do another one. You said you'd do five, and you need to do five." but he was so easily squashed by the memories of the suckiness of the previous ones that I really wasn't worried about it.

Then The BFF (bless her little, pea-picking heart) sent me an email at work one day a couple weeks ago.

"Any interest in doing this 5k with me?"
"Yes, actually." (Where the HELL did that come from?! That couldn't have been me!)

And then the dread set in. My thought process went something like this: "Oh my God, I have to do this again? What the hell am I thinking? Although, it would be nice to actually accomplish my goal. Yeah, but dude, they suck! I don't want to do this. I don't want to do this. I don't want to do this."

And most of the way to the course, I repeated that mantra. "I don't want to do this. I don't want to do this. I don't want to do this."

But, I did.

Here's The BFF and I with the Mayor of Santaland! Who knew that (1) there was a Santaland, and (2) it had a mayor who frequented 5ks? (ps...does he not look like a Willy Wonka character?! lol)

Yeah, it's all fun and games before the torture starts.

The 5k was through a local drive-through holiday lights display. Most of the first mile was a nice flat loop out and back, and then it went two times up through the loop where the lights display was. OH. MY. GOD. the hills. I will have nightmares about those hills. One hill that went up for ever and ever and ever. Then down a steep hill, then up a smaller hill, then down a steep hill, then up another freaking hill that went on for ever and ever and ever again, then down a steep hill.

I have never been so close to giving up in all my life. After the third hill on that loop, I really thought that I was going to finish the first lap around and give up. I very, very seriously considered stopping when I rounded the corner and saw the first hill looming in front of me. And the two-mile marker midway up was just a slap in the face. I couldn't do it. I couldn't face doing those hills again and going through that hell. It was cold. I couldn't feel my hands, I couldn't breathe, and when I did, it was icy daggers in my chest. I wasn't even two miles in yet, and had three huge, crazy-ass hills standing in my way.

And I didn't want to do the damn 5k in the first place.

Luc,kily, as I rounded that corner and saw that hill, I also caught a glimpse of two of my co-workers just a couple steps infront of me. They had started the race as walkers. As walkers, and they had passed me. Which isn't really that scandalous, since I'm used to getting passed by walkers when I do 5ks. But they were my co-workers. One, I didn't want to look bad infront of them, since they knew I started as a runner, and two, I was so focused on catching up with them that I temporarily forgot about my determination to give up, I turned the corner and started up those damn hills one last time.

And I finished that damn race. I finished my FIFTH 5k of 2009. As much as I didn't want to, I accomplished the goal I set back in May. I have actually completely completed a goal. Other than my wedding, I am almost 100% positive that I can't say that about anything else in my life.

I didn't want to, but I did, and I'm glad.

Practically perfect in every way...

I know that I'm not perfect, and I know that I can be annoying (who me?!), frustrating (never!), and sometimes bitchy (mood swings? Unheard of!). In spite of these things, my husband loves me; I know this to be true. And (admittedly) unlike myself, he's very good at keeping criticism to himself.

However...

Yesterday, while cleaning, I gathered up all the DVD cases and random loose DVDs that have been floating around our house for the past couple of months.

This picture tells you two things: (1) I have an unhealthy obsession with Gilmore Girls (all but two of those loose DVDs are from different GG seasons), and (2) I really suck at putting DVDs away. It's one of the only things that The Hubs will actually (in his gently nudging way) complain about. I leave DVDs in the player, on top of the player, on top of the TV, next to the TV, close to the TV, and just about anywhere but in the case and on the shelf.

So I gathered them all up, and on my third (yes, third) trip carrying DVDs into the living room from our bedroom, The Hubs said, "Where the hell were those?! I didn't even see them in there!"

Oopsie...remember that you love me, honey!

But, in the end, I made good and everything was back where it belongs. All the DVDs were in their cases and back in alphabetical order on the shelves.

And all was right with the world. At least until I decide to watch the whole Gilmore Girls series again.

(I love you, honey!)

Rinse and repeat.

Stayed in my calories today. Only made it 2 miles on the treadmill, but I'm still calling it a victory.

Finding it hard to stay optimistic with PMS looming her ugly head and the fact that my Diabetes medication is resulting in gastrointestinal explosions that would rival Old Faithful.

Oh, was that TMI? Welcome to my world. It's lovely here.

Proof

Eternal Optimist

So...today I start diet and c25k again. For the gazillionth time.

Here are the facts:

I weighed 250.2 this morning.
I have my A1c appointment in exactly 3 weeks.
My A1c was at 6.4 three months ago.
I want my A1c to be at 6.2 or lower when I get tested.
I also want to lose between 8 and 10.3 pounds by my test.

I stayed within my calories today, and I'm now trying to talk myself into changing my clothes and setting foot on that treadmill for the first time in months.

Why is that first step always the hardest?

I'll update you on my progress (and hopefully not the lack thereof) later tonight.

Ugh.

October 18, 2009

So, I should have written this post yesterday, but I was a little preoccupied with my husband and my anniversary and all...

Better late than never, right? So without further ado:

The Hubs was incredibly sweet and sent 18 amazing roses to me at work on Friday. As most women will agree, there's little better in this world than getting flowers at work. It's pretty much the best - and even better when they're absolutely gorgeous, as these were:

It just so happens that we got married on Sweetest Day, which I realize is not a "real" holiday, and isn't even celebrated throughout the whole country. Alas, it is celebrated here in the mid-west, and we now get to take full advantage of the fact that our anniversary will fall on or near Sweetest Day every year.

How did we take advantage of it this year? The Ohio Renaissance Festival's Romance Weekend. One, we love RenFest, and two, what's better than a little medieval romance on your anniversary?

We started out the day with our favorite show: Guido Crescendo (left) and Dirk Perfect (right) as The Swordsmen:

We walked around and meandered through the tons and tons of artisan shops until it was time for the big event: a medieval mass vow renewal. We met at the chapel and renewed our vows in a renaissance ceremony with about 2o other couples.

During our wedding, I somehow managed to hold myself together and made it through the whole ceremony while only shedding a couple dainty tears. For some reason, I couldn't hold it together in front of 20 other couples at the Renaissance Festival! What's up with that?! While I was saying my vows, the tears just started flowing and wouldn't stop. It was very touching.

Here we are with the pastor who performed the ceremony:

And here we are with our ceremonial certificate:

After the vow renewal, we were both starting to get hungry, and you know what that means...

A giant turkey leg for The Hubs! (I personally think it's grosser than gross, but whatever floats his boat...)

For me, heaven is:

Funnel Cake! (Although, this one was waaaaaay too crispy.)

After the good eats, it was time for one of the crowd favorites:

The Joust! This was our side's knight, Sir Marcus. He kind of sucked, as the other guy beat him in all the games of skill and kicked his butt in the actual joust. Oh well, the horses were beautiful, and - bonus - they're rescue horses! Yay!

We had both decided that we would get each other's anniversary presents at the festival, and The Hubs picked out this amazing, hand-made walking stick. As a bonus, the artisan hand-carved his initials in it for us while we waited!

The gift I picked was this beautiful ceramic ring/jewelry bowl:
I love it!

One of my favorite parts of the Renaissance Festival is the fact that they always have amazing artisans there performing their crafts. We watched this glassblower make a beautiful mug:

And then we couldn't resist bringing two home for ourselves:

I'm not sure if you can tell from the picture, but they are HUGE! They probably hold about 20 ounces, and they probably weigh more than a pound a piece! Incredibly heavy and beautiful. (And ex-pen-SIVE, at $40 each, but we couldn't resist!)

There were so many beautiful bowls and ornaments and vases in his shop, we could have easily spent another $200 there, but instead, we managed to just keep it to those mugs and a $20 ornament:

We walked around some more and decided on a whim to stop and watch the belly dancers. OH. MY. GOD. if I could do that, my husband would be a very happy man. I have video that I hope to post sometime soon, but for now, you'll just have to take these pictures and use your imagination...

First, she stole someone's beer and did an entire routine with it on her head:

And then, she moved on to something a little more *ahem* dangerous...

They were amazing, and made a chilly day awfully H-O-T.

When we got home, The Hubs took his pre-work nap, and it wasn't until he had been at work for a half an hour that we remembered that we hadn't done any of the other anniversary things we were supposed to do yesterday.

Oh well, that means two days of anniversary! LOL

So, tonight when we got home, The Hubs made dinner, and we had some dessert...

Two layers of saran wrap and three layers of aluminum foil later, and voila! Year old cake! Yummm...
We were both a wee bit apprehensive to actually try it, but once we did, we were pleasantly surprised at how well it held up. It was a little soggy from the strawberry filling, but tasted and smelled like fresh, yummy cake. Thanks to The BFF one year later for making our delish wedding cake!

After the cake, it was time for us to reaffirm our wedding vows, which we read from a copy of our wedding ceremony. Then it was time for the part I was most excited about...

I'm not sure if I ever told you about our unity ceremony. Our mothers each brought up a piece of ribbon and our pastor held it while we "tied the knot". We made the ribbons long enough so that we could tie a new knot every year on our anniversary...
And that, my dear friends, was my very first wedding anniversary. It was a great day, and I'm definitely looking forward to many more.

I am

It's been a month since my last blog. I'm still here, lurking around everyone else's posts and following along silently. Some of you have commented or emailed to check in on me, and for that, I am grateful.

Work is crazy. Apparently we've done our own version of the Louisiana Purchase, and that means everyone runs around like nuts and attempts to deal with the fallout. But, alas, I have a job, and for that, I am grateful.

The weight is the same. I'm back to taking my diabetes meds and trying not to pig out quite so much. I still haven't managed to step one foot on the treadmill. I blame pogo.com's Yahtzee. I have not gained, and for that, I am grateful.

Fall is here, and brings with it changing leaves, sweatshirt weather, and the ability to take comfort in warm drinks, and for that, I am grateful.

The Biggest Loser is back, and for that, I am grateful.

The Hubs is fine. Busy, overworked, and frazzled, but fine. In 10 days, we'll celebrate a milestone, and for that (and him), I am grateful.

Everyone in our families is healthy and as happy as their circumstances will allow. And for that, I am grateful.

I am alive, free, and happy, and for that, I am grateful.

Reflection

I weighed in at 246.6 this morning, which means that I have lost 14.0 pounds since this journey began in January. 14 pounds in 8 months.

Even though it coulda, woulda, shoulda been more, I'm very content with it. Do you know why? Because those 14 pounds, however slow they may have come off, however many times I gained and lost, those 14 pounds mean that at some point in my life, I changed what I was doing. I may have fallen back into old habits, gained some, and lost some again, but I changed.

I am capable of change.

I am capable.

Right now, I have several things working to my advantage in that department. One, I'm taking my Metformin as I should, which, aside from keeping my blood sugars in check, also has the pleasant side effect of curbing appetite. As long as I keep taking it, I notice that I am full faster and get that uncomfortable feeling where you just. can't. shove. any. more. food. in. a lot sooner. The medicine has also helped me notice and acknowledge that feeling of being full.

I have also had a stomach virus-y thing for about a week, so without sharing the gory details, lets just suffice it to say that food isn't hanging around for very long in my system. I'm sure this has helped my weight loss along just a little bit this past week.

I am in one of those 'take it as it comes' moods with life currently. I'm trying not to let my OCD tendencies take over. I'm trying not to obsess about dieting, my weight, what should have been and the monumental task of what needs to be. I'm pretty sure my crazy anniversary challenge was doomed to failure before it even began. It's not where I am or want to be with my weight-loss journey right now. Right now, I want to take it slow.

I felt/feel overwhelmed with big challenges. It's too much pressure. It's too much stress. Pressure and stress lead to "fuck it". At least with me. You may be one of those people who thrive under unattainable deadlines and lofty goals. More power to you, my friend. More power to you.

Right now, I'm throwing myself into the "Any Progress is Good Progress" category. I'm making an effort to watch my portions, with the help of Mr. Metformin. I'm going to start making an effort to hop on the treadmill for half an hour at least 4x a week. Just 1/2 an hour, at at least 3.1 mph. Any progress is good progress, and any movement is good movement. I don't have to kill myself. I don't have to wish I could die just so it would mean I could get off the treadmill.

The math works. Eat less calories, burn more calories, weight comes off. It's magic! (Okay, well it's not magic, and it's a really, really sloooooooooooooooow process, but I have faith in the result).

I may not have reached "gung-ho", but as long as I'm putting forth some effort, I'll get there eventually.

Oh, and 5k number 4 was this past Sunday. There aren't enough colorful phrases in the English language for me to express to you the suckiness that was the Cheetah Run. Hills. Steep hills. Repeatedly. And a stomach virus to boot.

I went. I did. That's good enough for me.

Frenemies...

Remember my old pal, Sigg?

Turns out, she might not be much of a pal at all...

According to this article, Sigg bottles made before August of 2008 (which my lovely "Earth" Sigg bottle was) have trace amounts of BPA in the lining. BPA is the toxic chemical found in plastic water bottles which has been found to effect levels of estrogen in females.

While Sigg tests show that there is 0% leakage of BPA from their old liners, they also changed the liners of their bottles to new, BPA-free liners after August of 2008. To me, this says they were concerned enough about it to change what they were doing, so I should be concerned about it as well.

Sigg is doing a voluntary exchange of all Sigg bottles with the old lining. Unfortunately, because it is a volunteer effort, you have to pay to send your Sigg bottle back, but they in turn will give you a gift certificate code to purchase a new Sigg bottle from their website. I'm not sure whether the code will include the cost of shipping your replacement Sigg to you, but I'm guessing it won't.

Probably 75% of my co-workers own Sigg bottles because of a company-wide initiative to quit using disposable cups and plastic bottles. Now, I'm in charge of collecting all our old Sigg bottles and sending a mass return back to Sigg for new ones.

By the way, if you own an old Sigg, and you wish to exchange it, all the information you need is in the article above, and you have to return it by October 31st of this year.

Something to think about...