Friday, October 19, 2012

Lane Bryant Can Bite My Ass

So I spent my lunch break partaking in every fat girl's favorite pastime - searching for jeans that fit.

Oh. My. Jeebus. Just shoot me now.

I currently have two pairs of jeans that I wear on a regular basis - a 26 petite Fashion Bug brand, and a 26 petite St. John's Bay from JCPenney. Both of these jeans are way too big and baggy now. Yay! Sort of.

Enter the frantic gotta-find-jeans-on-my-one-hour-lunch-break-at-the-ridiculously-busy-mall debacle.

Fashion Bug went out of business, so I can't go back there. JCPenney had NOTHING that fit or flattered. At Elder Beerman I found an awesome pair of Ruff Hewn jeans that were the perfect length and a very good fit. Score! And then I looked at the price tag...


For one pair of jeans.

Nope. Can't do it. Don't really want to spend three days alone in the Tennessee mountains with a mad husband.

So then I did the thing I swore I'd never do. I went to Lane Bryant.

You see, years ago when the geniuses at LB lost their ever loving minds created their mind bending new sizing method of mixed colors, shapes, and sizes, I swore that I was done shopping there forever. You are a shop that is supposed to make it EASIER for larger women to find cute clothes that fit and flatter. Now suddenly I needed an advanced degree in heiroglyphical analysis AND five hours of free time to navigate your new and "improved" sizing methods.

Nuh-uh. Not gonna do it.
I created this myself! Woot!

But today, against my better judgement, I went anyway. It's been years since I had tried to buy pants there. Surely they had refined the process some by now, right?

Why are you sideways?! :(
I tried on every single Red Square/Yellow Triangle combination from size 22 to (get this!) size 28. What ended up fitting me best there? (And I use "fitting" and "best" VERY loosely) A Yellow Triangle 28.

I shit you not, my friends. I went from a well-fitting Ruff Hewn 22, to an ill-fitting, tight in all the WRONG places 28 at Lane Bryant. At the fat girl store! Say it with me now:




Needless to say, I left there pantsless. 


I left there with pants. Just not new ones. That would be embarrassing. And I was late getting back to work. Why does this process have to be so hard, my peeps? 



Joy said...

I HATE LB! I LOVE JCPenney. But...I'm on a jeans strike because I can't find a single pair that fits. Want to know what I wear??? Maternity jeans. That right! I have a pair that I love and I still wear them. It's sad but true. I figure I'm not showing off my stomach so who the hell is going to know. And the nbest part is that they keep my rolls some what smooth under my shirts.

Lyndsey said...

OMG I'm glad it isn't just me!!! Fuck them. Seriously. I wanted a new pair of jeans a few weeks ago (currently rocking two pairs myself which are quickly getting worn through!) and I just did not feel like wandering around the fat section at Macys. I have never shopped at LB before but I was like... f it. I"m just going to do it. Ummm NO. I tried a bunch of jeans in my current size and a size up and i couldn't button any of them! WTF. Why the hell would I buy jeans in that size in a place that is supposed to make me feel good about the clothes i'm buying?!?!

Anna said...

Joy - I still wear two pairs of maternity work pants. LOVE THEM. The maternity jeans I bought ride kind of low and I end up pulling them up all freaking day, so I don't wear them anymore. But the work pants? Hellz yeah.

And Lyndsey - Amen, Sister Suffragette.

You will both be amazed to know that even though I was a size 28 at lunchtime, I was a size 20 at Target tonight. Amazing how that happened, eh?!

adorkbl said...

I don't shop at LB... but my friend does. and I LOVE her hand me downs. lol. I didn't realize they size weird? I did go there last week for the first time in years and got my first pair of boots. So I love them for the wide boots. ;)