Friday, March 13, 2009

"Pour your misery down, Pour your misery down on me..."

("Only Happy When It Rains" by Garbage).

Oh, what a week. Seriously, I was pretty done with it by Wednesday, and then yesterday just made it worse.

Monday was the bday, as you all know. It was very nice. The Hubs and I went to Olive Garden, where I could imbibe on my traditional birthday drink of choice: Berry Sangria. So freaking yumm-o!

Tuesday, nothing much happened, except for the fact that I spent hours prepping for my Wednesday Cardio Dance class. I taught myelf a new dance, and The Hubs helped me make cds with all the right songs.

Wednesday is when the shit started hitting the fan. All it took was one event to make all of the subconscious stress I had lurking around in my head/body bubble up unavoidably to the surface. I honestly did not realize that I am as stressed as I am. That is, I didn't realize it until people started disappearing from work. A good friend of mine came up to me and told me that she was heading out - she had been "let go". And then I realized that the guy two cubes in front of me never came back from lunch. And the picture of him and his girlfriend was gone from his desk. And then the panic set in. One of the HR guys kept passing by my desk with employee files in his hand, and walking into my boss' office. Every single time he passed, I thought I was for sure the next one to go. My job isn't totally something the company HAS to have. If they're so desperate that they are firing some of the best employees we've got, what's to stop them from getting rid of me?

I can honestly say that for the first time in my life, I actually had a small panic attack. My heart was racing for the whole last hour of the day. In the end, I did not get fired, but 8 others did. And who's to say that I won't be in the next round? Even the owner of our company told us all in a meeting the next day that he can't guarantee that anyone's job is safe. Now that's reassuring!

So, I couldn't wait to leave on Wednesday, because that meant I wasn't getting fired (at least until tomorrow, anyway), but I had to stay and teach my very first Cardio Dance class. The same class that several people had committed to coming to, and countless others had patted me on the back for..."That's such a good idea!", "Oh, it sounds like so much fun!" "Great thinking!".

Aaaaaaaand...no one showed up.

At the time, I wasn't really upset, because it meant that I didn't have to go through the whole "let's teach my peers something that could make me look really stupid" thing. But then I got home, and just broke the fuck down. Poor Hubs.

I really think it was just a combination of getting myself so worked up over the firings, and no one showing up for a class that I worked really hard on, and all this crazy birthday party drama that The Kids keep throwing on me, and trying to plan this stupid trip to Gatlinburg and a camping trip, and I had just had enough. I cried and cried and cried, and then laid down in bed and didn't get back up until Thursday.

Oh, Thursday... if Wednesday was bad, then Thursday was uber bad. Bad on steroids. The Incredible Hulk of bad. Not only was I still stressing out about everything from the day before, but (as previously mentioned) one of the owners of our company came and had a big meeting about how dismal the economy is, and it's so much worse than we thought, and we had to let all these people go, and we may be letting more of you go if it doesn't get any better, but you need to work twice as hard, and do more with less, and that's just kind of how it's going to be. Fun times!

And then I got to spend all day answering the question, "How was your class last night?!" with "Oh, um...It would have been great had anyone bothered to show up. Yep, I'm a loser. Thanks for reminding me. " (Or something like that).

And then we decided to cancel the Gatlinburg trip. One of my favorite things in the whole world, now indefinitely postponed. It's all about money. Fucking money. I hate it. But I understand why we had to cancel.

And then I decided to cancel my drama filled birthday party. Or at least scale it down a bit, and dis-invite the drama filled people. Ironically, cancelling my own birthday bash is one of the only things I've done this week that has made me feel somewhat less stressed out.

And then, there was the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back. I just found out my job's in danger. I've been repeatedly forced to explain to people that I'm a loser. I'm not taking a trip I was really excited for. I'm not having a big birthday celebration. Now it's time for lunch.

MFN and I walked into our little lunch room (which has basically floor to ceiling windows on every wall) and saw a Mamma goose nesting an egg that she had just laid. The Daddy goose was standing guard, like they always do. MFN and I spent some time talking about how we know that they are annoying, but it's still really nice to see the process of life, and the Daddy being so protective, and how amazing it is that the Momma instinctively knows exactly what she needs to do to have a healthy baby.

In walks our security guard, whos job partly consists of shooing the geese off of our property. MFN tells him that the goose had laid an egg, and he decides to go on an egg extingushing mission. He asked me for the grocery bag I had brought my lunch in, and I refused to give it to him. I told him I didn't want any part of it, and asked him not to do it, because I just think it's cruel to kill something for no good reason. He continued out the door on his mission, and I left the room because I just couldn't stand there and watch him do this. After he came back in the building, I went back in the lunch room to try and eat my lunch. The Momma and Daddy goose came back to her nest like "Where's my baby?!" and I couldn't take it anymore.

I went to the bathroom and cried. Not just over the damn geese, but over everything that has been going on this week. And the damn geese. The way I see it, if it is your job to keep them from nesting, then keep them from nesting. But if you don't do your job, and they do nest? Leave them alone! I just don't think it's right to go and kill the babies.

All this crap has just pulled me down into a really dark funk. Today was a little better than the past two days have been, but I just can't seem to bring myself out of it. I'm overwhelmed. I'm stressed. I'm pissed. I'm annoyed.

I'm ready for the weekend. And a drink.

1 comment:

Lyndsey said...

Oy. What a horrible week!!! The economy IS just so scary lately. A lot of my friends have been let go too. I guess all that we can do is trudge forward, try to do a good job, and try to save as much money as possible along the way.

And f that security guard, seriously! Poor geese. Lately it seems like there's just so much depressing stuff in the world. The only way I'm coping is by trying really hard to focus on the good stuff when I can.