Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Wednesday Weigh In and Thoughts on My Fill

Last Week: 245.2 lb
This Week: 239.6 lb
Loss: 5.6 lb

Yes, you read that right. Five point six pounds. And after struggling for weeks and weeks bouncing up and down the same few numbers on the scale, surprise! Here are the 230s! Which puts me this many pounds down from my HNPR weight:

On one hand, I'm super stoked to have lost that much, and super stoked to be in the 230s, which my brain just isn't quite registering yet. On the other hand, this fill is STILL rough. I made it through lunch yesterday without an issue, but can't say the same for dinner. Nothing stayed down. A little while later, I tried some cereal because {1} I was hungry, dammit, and {2} I just wanted to chew something. The cereal slid right through, as I had hoped it would, which was such a relief that I really had to work to limit myself.

If I'm honest with myself, I think I need a tiny unfill. Maybe 0.2 cc. At the same time, though, I'm enjoying the benefits of being where I am. I haven't been snacking nearly as much - partly because I'm just not hungry, and partly because I'm scared to death that whatever I choose to snack on will make me miserable in five minutes. I haven't been eating breads, pastas, rice, etc. because I'm afraid to. And knowing I'm teeter tottering along the red line has made me super cautious as I eat (which I should be anyway, but am not the best at remembering). So there ARE good habits that are being forced upon me by this restriction. And there are also not-so-great consequences, like the fear and possibility of PBing up every single meal. (Which mentally makes me feel bulimic, and that's definitely not the mindset I should get from the band.)

I just know that I need to make a decision soon, because I've been told that if I go in for an unfill within 7 days of a fill, it won't cost me anything (I haven't tested this out yet, and am skeptical, so I guess we'll see). So I have to go back before Saturday if I'm going to do it. And what I want to do is just say, "oh, well, let's see how lunch goes.", and then if lunch goes fine, "let's see how dinner goes", and I'll just keep doing that until Friday night when a free unfill isn't an option anymore. I just need to decide, but I don't want to. I don't want to give up good weight loss numbers and go back to jumping around the scale for weeks on end. But I also don't want to PB every other meal and be hungry, but miserable at the thought of eating anything.

I just want to make smart decisions. What's best for my band, my body, my bank account, etc. It's just not an easy decision to make. I don't want to go back and get some taken out, only to need it back in a couple weeks and have to pay another $75 to get what I already had.

And now I'm rambling and talking in circles. So I'll take that as a sign that I need to end this and just hit "publish" and let all my wonderful bloggy pals comment to help me figure all this out. GO!


jennxaz said...

awesome loss! Good luck figuring out the fill!

Kay S said...

That is a great loss! But I've been exactly where you are before. I opted for the slight unfill. It left me with more than I had, but not so much that I couldn't eat. And yes, now I'm back up to where I was before then, but it took months of small fills to get me there. I think I prefer it that way. Makes it easier to adjust to the difference. Good luck!

Connie O said...

That is a spectacular loss, and you deserve it!

Now, go get an unfill. I think you need one, and a tiny one shouldn't mess you up too much. That's just my 2 cents; I know I don't really get to boss you around.

Cheri said...

I hesitate to comment in detail here on this, but you know my bias I think, and why. Based on my own experiences I get very nervous about throwing up/pbing. I've seen too often where it gets out of control - and although I'm certainly no band expert, I have to think the body would work similarly, where you could get it locked into a dangerous pattern of rejecting food by irritating it. And I've read blogs of people who PBed a lot, lost a lot of weight, then had serious issues later. So the cycle of pbing, being starving, feeling out of control of your food choices, really concerns me.

I also have an opinion on the money, honey. ;-) I understand money stress, but I want you to think of spending money on your health with your "good mother brain" - in other words, would the money be a consideration for one second if it were a procedure for your child? You deserve the same level of care. Health always comes first, period. So take a little out if you need to, then add it in later if you are ready, etc. I want you to do this at a rate that feels safe and healthy to you.

Sorry if that was too emotional or opinionated. I thought about not even commenting, but I trust you'll filter what I say and take only what is useful to you. xo

I did it for the angels. ;-D (you are toooooo funny!)

Cheri said...

So I just read Connie's blog and see you have an unfill for mean I didn't have to do that honking rambling comment!!!!!!!!!


Oh well...TWO angels got their wings.

so there.