Thursday, May 16, 2013

On the Subject of Moving

So, we're moving. In with my in-laws. And I don't want to.

This is so not a good time to be in my marriage right now. I am miserable at the thought of having to move in there. For so, so many reasons that my husband just doesn't "get". I've been independent my whole life, and the thought of moving in with family when we truly don't have to is just killing me.

Not to mention the fact that I just don't feel comfortable there. It's not that they try to make me uncomfortable, it's just that it's not my house, you know? This might seem stupid, but they don't have a living room or family room area with a couch and a tv to just veg in front of. And vegging in front of the tv is one of my main activities. LOL. When we move in, if I want to watch tv, I'll either have to do it in our bedroom (where I can't be watching Logan if he's awake and running through other parts of the house), or in the eat-in part of the kitchen, where their only public tv is, while sitting at the dining room table. How can you really get comfortable and veg out while sitting at the dining room table?

And the other thing? I know you'll all find it absolutely shocking, but I'm not a Miss Mary Sunshine 24/7/365. (Gasp!) The Hubs' parents are very much a "let's not talk about anything upsetting or bad or get in an argument in front of anybody" kind of people. I've known them for seven years and never once seen them come close to arguing. And there have been times when (in my OWN house, mind you) I've said something to The Hubs about something I don't agree with and the MIL has been there, and she's openly scoffed at me for saying what I've said or expressing my feelings in anything less than a Miss Mary Sunshine way. I can't go for the next year (at least) without expressing my feelings or opinions to my husband. I. WILL. EXPLODE.

I am on the verge of an anxiety attack because I'm imagining all the ways in which this is going to suck. It's not that I don't see the positives. There are some. But the selfish part of me sees all the positives for everybody else, and none for me. The Hubs goes back to living at home (which he did until he was 30, so he's completely comfortable there.) He gets to be taken care of by his mom again. He gets to be closer to the shop (a big garage on their property with every tool imaginable) so it will be easier for him to fix things. He gets to be closer to his friends. My MIL gets to have her baby back in her house, with the bonus of her grandchild (who she acts like more of a mother to). She won't have to drive 45 minutes each way every day to watch our kid anymore.

What's in it for me? Saving money for a house, which was the premise I agreed to? Not really. You know, surprisingly, you don't really save a ton of money moving in with someone. Especially when we were super lucky to have extremely low rent at our apartment. And the money that we're saving will go to paying down our debt first, which we won't even fully be able to do in a year. So to me, it's looking like I get to be completely miserable and uncomfortable in a place where I feel constantly judged, for no benefit. We'll basically be slightly less in the hole than we were when we were living on our own, with no savings to speak of for a house down payment.

This is me whining.


/end rant


Anonymous said...

Um, that sounds horrible. And I totally feel you. I was a bit freaked about spending a week with my inlaws over Christmas. And that was ONE WEEK. I think you are probably a lot like me where even if I like someone, I really dont want to see them that much (except for like, my husband). And I desperately crave time alone/away from people I have to be "on" in front of.

If you guys truly are not saving much money by doing this can you maybe talk to Jack about staying for less time? Or maybe once you move in, if it is as bad as you think it will be, he'll see its really not good for you and be okay with moving out sooner?

Anna said...

Exactly. I'm a slightly agoraphobic hermit. I like to be in MY space. Unfortunately, since so much has been prepared already, I have to go through with it, but I'm really going to need to re-evaluate in a few months. Hopefully The Hubs will be receptive to that, but since he's moving into cushy-land, I feel like he's never going to want to leave. :-/

♥ Drazil ♥ said...

Seriously - I'm not kidding. I got hives for you about this....if anyone made me move in with my inlaws I'd shank my own eyes out. OMG - you poor dear. I'm not helping am I? I'm sorry - I just can't imagine.

Mon said...

Anna I am SOOOOO sorry to hear this! I would feel miserable about it too. Home should be your sanctuary, your place you know you go to and relax no matter what...and that's being taken away from you. And this sounds crappy to say, but it would probably be so much easier if your husband was ALSO miserable about it, but instead it sounds like he's getting everything he wants, so no commiseration there :(

Not that it will help, but you have my TOTAL sympathy. Maybe if you butt heads with your MIL like constantly, hubs will decide this isn't a good idea...? No? Yeah, that's kind of a terrible suggestion. Booooo! I'm sorry about this :(

Connie O said...

I'm sorry this is so stressful for you, and that it will continue to be stressful for a while. I hope it won't turn out to be as bad as you think once you are settled, and that clearing your debt will prove to be a good start on working toward a house.

Also that you get out of there as soon as it makes sense to do so.

Remember to take care of yourself!

jennxaz said...

I dreaded moving in with my own mother..could not imagine my MIL! is a bright have a built in babysitter....can you make time for you everyday and go workout while she watches the baby?

RockBand Barbie said...

I totally feel your pain. We moved in with my in laws about 2 years into our marriage. It did NOT go well. I lasted less than 2 months when I said I don't care if I have to live in a cardboard least it will be my own space. Hopefully your experience will better than mine.

Cheri said...

Yup yup I echo others. I guess on the one hand I always felt a little jealous or sad that we never had any family close enough to help us in ANY way with our kids, but on the other hand I certainly avoided anything like this! We'd actually joke about that, too - we were SO SO SO far from any family. Hubs family is across the globe.

I can see why there are many advantages to living there, and I can also totally understand why you don't want to. I could NOT do it - just visiting the inlaws or having them visit us for several weeks is very stressful - and they are lovely people - but I also need my own space. I hope it works out better than you are thinking it will, or else you and hubs are able to agree and find a "plan B" soon.

I still remember when I was pregnant with my first baby, and we spent a month with the in-laws in South Africa...gah...I spent a LOT of time in the bedroom avoiding people....awkward! Things like awkwardness about groceries and who ate what and house cleaning...and that was a one month visit. gah. We are actually the opposite from your situation - his family vents everything loudly and I'm one to keep it in more, and I was freaking out thinking they were all blowing up at each other, but it was normal for them. I was freaking out that I ate the bag of chips!!!!!!! Oh no!!!!!!! His mom is so mad I ate a bag of chips!!!!!! LOL This is 18 years ago and I am laughing remembering it. I was 7 months pregnant, why was I flying to South Africa anyway?? (It always boils down to food, doesn't it?? :-D)

Kay S said...

So sorry you're going through this Anna. I completely understand. There's no way I could do it. I can barely bite my tongue when visiting my in-laws for an afternoon. Honestly, if I had to choose, I'd rather keep renting. Hope you don't have to do this for long!

MandaPanda said...

OK...then my question is Why are you doing it? I doesn't sound like you HAVE to. This is NOT good for your marriage if you do this. You will wind up resenting your husband for making you do it. It's one thing if it's necessary. IF it's not, then I suggest not doing it and finding another way to pay down your debt and save for a house.