Wed-nes-day Weigh In

Last Week: 246.6 lb
This Week: 244.0 lb
Loss: 2.6 lb

Am I the only person who says "wed-nes-day" in her head while she types the word? I hope not. I also use "S.U.C.C.E.S.S. that's the way you spell success" when necessary. Thank you, elementary school.

Aaaaanyhoo...

I knew the weight would go away. Stupid Rally's fries. It was a teeny tiny little bonus that another 0.2 lb went with it, so I'm happy with this week's results. I'm now down this many pounds from my HNPR weight:

I made an appointment for a fill on April 6th. Can't wait to get in there and see Kim. I'm thinking 0.5 cc this time, but we'll see what she recommends. And apparently, my surgeon's office is changing things up now - the lady I made my appointment with (a new girl - Teresa) said that they have a new policy that if it's been "a while" since you've been in the office, you have to get a barium swallow before you can come in. She didn't specify what "a while" actually means, so I'll have to find out when I get in for my appointment. Apparently it means more than 9 weeks, since that's how long it will have been for me.

Originally, I was annoyed that they might make me do the barium swallow, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized that the only reason I didn't want to have to do it (besides having to pay for the damn thing) is fear that they'll find something wrong. This is me working through my instinct of sticking my head in the sand in the face of a problem. (Go me!) So I said to myself, "Self. If there's a problem (yo I'll solve it), you need to know. That's how things get fixed. Get over it."

In the end, I don't have to get one this time, but there might be a time in the future when I do. And then Self is just gonna have to deal. And maybe listen to some old school Vanilla Ice.

In crappy news, my Diet Bet ends tomorrow and I'm not gonna make it. $20 down the drain. I'm really interested to see how many of the 400+ people did meet their goals, though. Good on them.

In slightly-less-crappy news, I completed enough classes this term to remain eligible for financial aid next term. I'm technically in "warning" status for next term (April 1 - September 30) and have to complete a certain percentage of my classes in order to stay enrolled in school. Blargh. Mess. But I always do much better in the April - September term because things are calmer during that time of year. And I don't want to go through the stress I've been going through for the past 2 months again. So I'm convinced that this next term is going to go much more smoothly.

Oh, and bonus - one of the classes that I actually DID complete this past term was my LAST MATH CLASS EVER. Hallelujah, praise the lawd.

I'm carrying over three courses into next term - Science, History, and Human Development and Learning. And I'll be adding two more classes to that - Diversity and Inclusion and Testing. Human Development, Diversity and Inclusion, and Testing are all Foundations of Teaching courses. Science and History are liberal arts requirements. Can't wait to be done with those two because then I'll be past all the gen ed courses and only doing education courses. Woo!

Everyday I'm Shufflin'...(a long semi-rant)

Saturday was my 31st birthday. I decided long ago (never to walk in anyone's shadow) to do a 5k to celebrate this wonderful occasion. So I picked The Shamrock Shuffle. It turned out to be a HUGE race, with over 5,000 participants.

MFN and I before the race. It was COLD.

This race was so poorly organized, but I didn't really realize how bad it was until later that night. Random things would happen throughout the experience that I would kind of question, but because of the excitement of being there, I just kind of let them go. But now, after the adrenaline is gone, I'm really kind of bummed about a lot of things. 

1) The "festival" area where the before and after block parties were held was A MESS. Everything was tightly packed in a small space, when they had tons of room that they could have spread out into. They were giving away free food both before and after the race, but it was stuff that I would NEVER consider eating at 8 am - Cool Ranch Dorito Tacos from Taco Bell, Chips and Guacamole from Qdoba, Frozen Yogurt from Menchie's Frozen Yogurt (it was like 30 degrees outside!). Re-donk. 

2) The starting line for the races was a short walk away from the festival area, but (this is hard to explain, so I'm going to try my best) the only way to get to the starting line was from one direction. But the direction we were all coming from headed straight for the front of the pack, the front of the starting line. So people didn't realize that they had to keep walking and go to the back of the pack if they were walkers/with strollers/with dogs, etc. They just walked up to the mass of people and stopped, not realizing that they were in the front of the line. The start and first half mile of that race was a complete clusterf***. 

3) My second biggest pet peeve of the whole thing - they had no mile or km markers along the whole race! Who "professionally organizes" a 5k and doesn't put up mile markers?! Natalie and I aren't cool enough to have runner's Garmins or anything like that, so we had to go off of our estimated time. It's a really good thing that I thought to look at my phone as we were crossing the starting line, or we would have had absolutely NO idea about our approximate location on the course. 

4) The finish line signage was backwards! We were moving along and I saw a big thing of signage up ahead of us, but it was facing the other direction, so I thought there was no way we were headed for the finish line. Usually, the word "FINISH" is facing you, and that's how you know. Not with this ass backwards race. The "FINISH" signage was facing the freaking spectators! WTF, dude?

5) They were completely unprepared for the waves of finishers at the line. Nobody was manning the water stations, so people were piling up trying to get water out of big plastic cases. There was nobody directing people to/where to turn in their timing chips. As a result, Natalie and I didn't even realize we still had ours until we were eating breakfast at IHOP later! Now we have to waste time and a stamp to mail them in. 

The backwards finish line. High on thinking we had completed our goal. But did we?

6) And my biggest pet peeve about this stupid race? The organizers posted on their FB page later that evening that the 5k course was actually shorted. Remember back up at number four when I said I thought there was no way we were actually headed for the finish line at that point? I knew something was wrong. I knew the numbers didn't add up. I thought we had to keep going around and head into the finish corral from the front, because it just didn't feel right. And our race time seemed really freaking good for two girls who hadn't trained much at all and who walked the vast majority of the course. Well, la ti da, no wonder our times were so good - instead of doing 3.1 miles, we only did 2.8. They shorted the course by three tenths of a fracking mile! Instead of a birthday 5k, I did a birthday 4.5k. I was robbed. 

And you know, I try to stay positive. At least I got out of bed. At least I paid the $30 entry fee. At least we did it even though it was butt ass cold. At least. But at the same time, there's something about that distance. Something about officially going 3.1 miles, that I feel like we didn't really accomplish our goal. Even though we thought we were doing it at the time, we didn't. It's a bummer. 

But we did have fun. Natalie worked really hard to distract me through the parts where I wanted to die. We gossiped about girls' jiggly butts in their too-tight running pants and tried to figure out which ones were wearing underwear and which ones weren't. At one point, we started singing songs to keep our brains occupied. We would sing until we forgot the words, and then pick up another song. I'm sure the people around us hated us, but I really don't care. We traded sweaty gloves back and forth when our hands got too cold or hot. We plotted our outfits for next year, if we decide we're crazy enough to do this again.

We did have fun, and that's what birthdays are supposed to be about. Not-really-a-5k-5ks and all. 

Place Your Bets!

Have you ever heard of DietBet? It's a website where you can join a group of people in betting that you'll be able to lose 4% of your weight in 28 days. If you succeed, you win the money in the pot. If multiple people in your group succeed, you all split the pot evenly.

I had never heard of this until Jen at Prior Fat Girl mentioned that she and a couple other women were hosting a DietBet. I was skeptical of joining for a couple of reasons. 1) Four percent for me is 9.8 pounds. In 28 days. Not impossible, but not easy peasy mac n' cheesy, either. and 2) I didn't know if I was eligible since I have had weight loss surgery.

I messaged Jen on Facebook to ask about the Lap Band thing, and she was very supportive. She encouraged me to go for it and join the DietBet. After all, it's not a direct competition with other girls, I'm only "competing" against myself to lose the 4% and my share of the pot.

So, I joined. And as of right now, there are 267 other "betters" in this particular game, with the pot up to $5,340. Now, of course, DietBet gets a percentage of that money, and the organizers get another percentage (which they are graciously donating to charity), but after that, the pot is split between everyone who manages to lose 4% of their body weight.

And you know what? Even if I only get back the $20 I put in, I'll say it was worth it to kick my butt in gear and lose 10 pounds in 28 days. Because if $20 is what it takes to get me that much closer to goal, it's well worth it.

A (Very Literal) Scale Victory

We weight loss bloggers tend to write a lot about Non-Scale Victories (NSVs), and save our Literal Scale Victories for weigh in days. Nuh-uh. Not today, sistas. I have a very literal scale victory and I'm going to share it with you. And it's not even a Wednesday weigh-in day.

Okay, so I've droned on and on about the company fitness center, and the classes, and the trainer, and blah blah blah. It's all good stuff - great for general health and well being.

But there's also a more sinister component to that room...

Cue mystery music here...dun dun duuuuuun! 

(Oh, and in this picture, you can also see the comfy couch that I use when I'm crocheting during my lunch breaks. LOL)

Anyway, that damn doctor's scale. It has not been my friend. Every day that I weigh, it usually weighs me in about 2-3 pounds heavier than my scale at home. And, unfortunately, with that scale being in a public place, and at work, I can't exactly weigh in in the buff, like I usually do. So I know that a portion of the weight difference is in the clothes I'm wearing.

But still, it's a big, fat bummer to weigh in under 250 at home and then come in to work and weigh more than that every day. I have been patiently waiting for the day that I was far enough away from 250 at home to literally tip the scales under 250 at work.

And TODAY WAS THAT DAY, kids.

Today was the day when I stepped on that scale, fully clothed, and pushed the big 50 pound weight over...50...100...150...200...250. Then I moved that little single pound weight thingy allllll the way over to zero, and bonk. Too heavy!

So I slid that happy little 50 pound weight back to 200, and slid the single pound weight thingy almost allllll the way over in the other direction, and blahdow! I'm under 250 fully clothed on a "real" scale. Holy shitballs. (Pardon my French.)

For some reason, it is so much huger (it's a word now) to weigh in under 250 on this scale than it is on my digital guy at home. I think it's the tactile-ness (again, a word) of it. The fact that you physically have to move the weights over to balance the scale. And the fact that ever since I first set foot on that damn thing, I have automatically slid it all the way over to 250, then even farther up the small scale. So moving that 50 pound weight back to the left about an inch just feels so enormous to me.

Peace out, 250s. Don't expect a postcard, because I will NOT be missing you. Oh, and tell your friend 240 that I'm coming for a visit soon!

Wahoo!

So the back's still screwy, which is no fun at all. But, I did get to the work fitness center both yesterday AND today! (Cue gasp!)

Yesterday, I forced myself to do the whole 3.1 miles, since it has been over three years since I moved that distance.

Wow. It was HARD.

Seven weeks to birthday 5k. Ain't nobody got time for clear pictures!

Ignore the sad time. 

I walked the VAST majority of that, and ran a teenytiny bit. I did it, but I felt like total crap afterward. Like, seriously, chills and shakes and falling asleep at my desk. So, methinks I may have over done it a bit. Blah.

Today, though, I went in and just walked at (what is to me) a brisk pace - 3.3 speed for most of the time. And I stopped after 1/2 an hour. I got more than half a 5k done in that time, and I felt GREAT afterward! Energized and happy, and excited. Not like I wanted to die a slow, painful death at my desk.

I have every intention of working up to the full 3.1 miles again, because I know that only doing half 5ks won't help me at all when it comes time for the Shamrock Shuffle. But I loved the feeling I had today after my workout. I'm going to stick with the brisk walk, half 5ks for this week and then see how I feel next week. At the very least, it's movement.

I've been doing pretty well on food, too. Not really feeling the restriction as much anymore, but I'm trying to focus on eating less carbs and watching my night time snacking. Hoping it will show at tomorrow's weigh in!

How YOU Doin'?

We're almost two full weeks into 2013 now, so I figured it's a good time to check up on my 2013 Commitments. If you'll remember, I came up with a list of six "commitments" (not "resolutions", patooey!) in this post. Here's how they're shaping up so far:

1. Fills every two weeks until "sweet spot": Even though I've had a couple stuck episodes since my last fill, I still don't think I'm where I need to be. I can still eat MUCH more than I'm comfortable with, and the weight has been just kind of hovering since then. I do think I need another fill, and I would totally go in this Saturday, but they're booked up. Boo! I can't go during the week because I have no vacation/sick time until the end of April, and they don't have late hours. And now they're telling me they're not open every weekend anymore, but only "certain" weekends during the month. So I have to get with them and find the next available weekend that I can go in for a fill. Blargh. 
2. Bringing my lunch to work: I'm actually doing pretty well with this. I brought a couple times the first week, twice last week, and I packed today. With Commitments number 4 and 5, I am going to have to bring my lunch more because I won't have time to actually take a lunch at work. More on this below. 
3. At least one 5k: In progress! I signed up for the Shamrock Shuffle on March 9th (my 31st birthday, by the way. Gifts accepted.) Knowing that a 5k is paid for and looming over my head means that I actually need to prepare for it a little bit so that I'm not COMPLETELY miserable the whole time. See below. 
4. Moving more/acknowledging work fitness center: See above. I've had a slight hiccup on this one, since I seem to have shaken my booty a tad too hard on Just Dance 4, and found my way into a herniated disk flare-up. I am noticing that the flare up isn't as bad as it had been when I was 30 pounds heavier, but it's still no fun. So I'm babying things for now, but The Hubs and I did take Bubbers on a 30 minute walk over the weekend, and I brought clothes/shoes/etc. to get some treadmill time in at the fitness center today in preparation for my upcoming birthday 5k. Lookie there, all prepared and shit. 
5. Following the bandster rules: My fill has really forced me to comply with several of the rules - eating slowly, taking small bites, and chew chew chewing. I find that I'm sure to get stuck if I bite into something rather than cut it up and use a fork to eat it. I guess I just can't gauge a "small" bite by actually biting into it. I'm still having difficulties with no drinking while eating. One, because I hate the gross feeling of food in my mouth, and two, because I'm trying really hard to get water in, and find it difficult to do if I have to "lose" a few hours of prime drinking time because of eating. It's all new to me and I'm still working it all out. 
6. Focusing more on school: Excuse me while I hide in a corner. I have until the end of March before this term is over and I haven't. accomplished. anything. GAH! I'm stuck in this math class and I can't get past it. And it just makes me frustrated so that I don't even want to acknowledge its existence. But I have to get my butt in gear if I ever want to move forward and away from my current job. Blargh.  

All in all, I think I'm doing pretty well for two weeks in. This week starts my 5k prep, and even though my back is one unhappy little camper, I'm still going to try to get in there and get a t5k (treadmill 5k) done 3-4 days this week. I guess we'll see how it goes today, but I'm hoping it will actually HELP my back instead of hurt it more. 

Did you make any commitments or resolutions? If so, have you checked your progress? How is it going? 

TTT

Thanks, Laura Belle, for the wonderful-ness that is Ten Things Thursday. Wherein I get to take the lazy way out and still feel like a good blogger.

 1) Work is nutso. Part of my hodge podge of a job description involves recording training videos. I spent the last two full days recording. And I mean, literally, videotaping seminars from 8 am to 5:30 pm. It is exhausting and no fun.

 2) Speaking of work, I got "spoken to" today about the fact that I come in between 5 to 20 minutes late every day. Bummer.

 3) My work to do list is re-donk. Just shoot me now.

 4) No stuck episodes since Tuesday's lunch! Huzzah! And thanks for the comments on the last post. I am in agreement with y'all. No unfill for this lady. Just a whole bunch of slow down and small bites for me! Seems to be working now.

 5) My spaz of a 2-year-old has decided that any time between 3:45 and 6:30 am is a great time for a crib party. Seriously. All week long, he has woken up between these hours and has a grand old time carrying on a conversation with himself. It wouldn't be such a big deal if his head and my head weren't separated by about 4 inches of paper-thin wall.

 6) I have an official goal to weigh in at 231 by my March 9th birthday. It's a slightly crazy goal that would require me losing more than two pounds a week, but I really think that with my new-found restriction and upping the exercise ante (which I haven't done yet, oops!) I might be able to do it. Or at least get super close. If you will recall, my highest NPR (non-pregnant recorded) weight was 281, in March of last year. If, by my birthday, I get to 231, it will be 50 pounds down in a year. Which would be total awesomesauce, if you ask me.

 7) I had to change the comment settings for my blog because I am getting SO MANY spam comments! It is so frustrating! Hopefully, the change that I made (allowing only registered users to comment) will stop the stupid spammers, but not be as frustrating to y'all as if I had turned on word verification. I really HATE word verification, and it's the last option for me as far as this goes. So let me know if you have issues commenting, please!

 8) The Hubs and I are going to see "Shrek: The Musical" on the 18th. I'm super excited for this because {1} It's Shrek! and {2} The Hubs actually agreed to go to the theater with me, which is like a "hell froze over" kind of event!

 9) I know I've said this recently, but the whole learning how to follow bandster rules thing? It's hard. But I'm kind of glad that I had two stuck episodes, because I'm so much more careful now about chewing and small bites-ing since I know that pain. And me no-likey the pain.

10) Biggest news of all: I done gone and did it. I signed up for my first 5k of 2013!!! On my birthday, no less! So even though it will definitely be cold, and there's the possibility that there will be snow - believe me, we've had blizzards on my birthday weekend in March before - I will be at the Shamrock Shuffle, shufflin' my 5k worth of buns off. And it's already paid for and everything. So I have to do it now! I've got about 8 weeks to get my butt in gear, so we definitely need to come up with a plan up in here. But I'm super excited to get back into running, and to have a goal to work toward. Woo! 

New Year, New Choices...and a Wednesday Weigh In

Last Week: 254.2
This Week: 252.6
Loss: 1.6 lb

Well, Happy New Year to me! I wasn't expecting a good number today, what with all the holiday mumbo jumbo going on. 1.6 pounds is awesome, and I'm super happy with it. I finally hit my first mini goal of 10 pounds down since starting the pre-surgery diet. (Which would have been at 253.8, so I kind of just blew through that one!) But I didn't quite make it to my goal of losing 30 pounds in my 30th year - just 28.4.

Wait.

Just 28.4? JUST TWENTY EIGHT FRACKING POUNDS?! Anna! Get your head out of your ass! You lost more than 28 pounds last year! That is amazing! And way better than gaining weight every. single. year. of your life like you HAD been doing.

(Okay, okay, voices in my head...28.4 pounds is A LOT and I'm freaking awesome. Better?)

Ahem...anyway...

And so, for the first time I can literally ever remember, I'm starting this year weighing significantly less than the last. And it feels awesome. And I can't wait to see what is to come. Here are my commitments for 2013:

• I have a fill on Saturday, and I'm committing to fills every two weeks until I get to where I need to be. No more wasting this tool (and my money!)
• I'm committing to bringing my lunch more to work. I'm not going to say a specific number of times or anything, but that I will bring it more. Which shouldn't be hard, because I can probably count on both hands the number of times I brought lunch to work last year. 
• I'm committing to at least one 5k. Even if I have to train and run it by myself, I'm doing one. 
• I'm committing to moving more. My Mom bought me Just Dance 4 for the Wii, and I've busted a few moves and busted out some sweat, so that will be one of my options. As a tiny little side commitment attached to this one, I'm committing to stop ignoring the fact that my workplace has a fitness center that I walk right past several times a day.
• I'm committing to following the bandster rules. Even the ones I hate. *cough*Nodrinkingwhileeating*cough*
• I'm committing to focusing more on school. Gotta get that done in order to leave my crappy current job. 

My favorite commitment this year is that I'm committing to have more fun. Because as Ferris Bueller said,

 "Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you might miss it."

Goal Oriented and other things.

Hello all!

This past weekend was fun - we had our first Christmas party of the season on Saturday. Fun (and dish cloths) was/were had by all. Sunday was our second Christmas party, wherein Logan met Santa for the first time since he could actually acknowledge who he is. He was enthralled by the man in the big red suit! Lots of fun.

I can definitely tell a difference since having my fill on Friday. I don't think that I'm where I need to be, but things are moving in the right direction. I am learning first-hand about how fickle Tim Gunn is, though. At times, I feel full on practically nothing, and at other times, I could (theoretically, of course, because there's no way that this actually happened, *ahem*) eat two whole hot dogs with buns and a couple cookies, and still feel like going back for more. It's a balancing act, and it will take a while to get everything there, I know.

I was thinking earlier today about my goals with this whole weight loss thingy. I really didn't have a set weight goal in mind when I started out. That's mostly because I have steadily gained weight every year of my existence, and it feels impossible for me to say, "Oh, yeah, I'll look and feel great at XXX number." How the heck do I know? I've never been one of those people who dieted and lost a huge amount and was really happy there, but then gained it all back. My yo-yo doesn't yo, yo. So it was really difficult for me to just pick a number out of thin air as a real goal. I mean, I have all these little obvious goals in my head, like, to get to Onederland, and such, but a something-to-strive-to number was rough.

I have since ended up sitting on 175 as a strive-to goal. It's a nice, pretty number, and it's well under 200. We'll see how it feels when we get there, I guess.

I also have a bunch of teeny tiny little mini goals coming up soon (hopefully). The first one I'll hit is at 253.8, which will be 10 pounds down from the start of my pre-op diet. Then 251.0 will be 30 pounds down for the year. Then 249 will be a victory that I can't wait to write a post about, but am keeping it a secret for now. And finally, 246.3 will be the start of all brand new territory for me, as earlier in my weight loss blogging journey, I hit 246.4, and that's as low as she goes went.

I think focusing on these little mini goals that are soclose will hopefully help me stay motivated and feel less bogged down by the impossible-ness that 81.4 pounds to "goal" sounds like. Bit by bit, we'll get there.

What about you? Any mini goals coming up? Or do you stay laser focused on the "big one"?

It's been...

One week since you looked at me,
Cocked your head to the side and said I'm angry...

(Barenaked Ladies, "One Week")

One week since the start of my pre-op diet. One week of emotional ups and downs. One week of good days and not-so-good days. One week and almost 5 pounds.

Start of Pre-Op Diet (10/24): 263.8 lb
One Week In (10/31): 259.2 lb
Loss: 4.6 lb

So I super duper hate the pre-op diet. It sucks. It's not sustainable for me, but then again, I don't guess it was meant to be sustainable anyway. I have had days with "fuck it" moments where I've cheated a bit, (not entire "fuck it" days, mind you) and then days like yesterday, where it was nothing but protein shakes and stick-to-it-iveness. Obviously I need to work on channeling the latter for this last week before surgery.

My goal is to get down to 255 by surgery day, so that's another 5-ish pounds in this last week.  I would appreciate any extra "you can do it" vibes that you've got just laying around. Send them my way, sisters!

As far as THE LIST goes, tomorrow I stop all medications and replace ibuprofen with Tylenol. I still need to get to a drug store to purchase the Hibiclens, but I don't have to start that until Sunday, so there's still a little time there.

In other news...

If the weather isn't too horribly crappy (they're calling for cold and rain, fun!) we're going to take Bubbers to MFN's (My Friend Natalie if you're new 'round these parts) neighborhood to hand out candy. We live in an apartment and haven't gotten one single trick-or-treater in the 5 years we've been here, so I thought it would be fun to go to her house.

The kiddo is not a huge fan of his costume, but I think he's monkeylicious!

"Haven't you always wanted a monkey?!" Oh, BNL...

And also in other news...

Hugs to you if you've been affected by that bitch, Sandy. We have just had some rain and light snow here in Cincinnati/Dayton, so nothing near what has happened in other areas. Hope you're all doing okay if you're in those parts!

Decisions and Confessions

"I've got another confession my friend, I'm no fool
I'm getting tired of starting again, somewhere new..."

("Best of You" by Foo Fighters)


In my case, "somewhere new" tends to be a new decade of poundage. I started this blog in the 260's, worked through the 250's, had a brief stay in the 240's, and now I'm smack dab in the middle of the 270's. I gained back more than double what I lost.

It doesn't take a genius to figure out that I'm not great at this whole weight loss thing.

A few months ago, I became Facebook friends with a girl I knew in high school named Kristin. Through catching up with her, I found out that she works for the Cincinnati Weight Loss Center and that she had had Lap-Band surgery a few years before.

Now, previously in years gone by, the thought of having Lap-Band surgery was, for me, like the thought of winning the lottery - it would be nice if it happened, but chances were slim to none, so why dwell on it. I just knew it would be too expensive and that my insurance wouldn't cover it, and I didn't know what hoops I would have to jump through to get it. And then, there's always the fact that it's surgery. Permanent. Invasive. And, did I mention, expensive?

As I mentioned before, Kristin had had the surgery and now works for the doctor who performed it. In fact, every person who works in the office has had the surgery, so they know first hand how it works, feels, costs, etc. She and I talked about the fact that I was semi-seriously considering the surgery but that I knew very little about it. She told me about her experience and how much she paid (she was a self-pay patient, and for those of you who might not know, if your insurance does not cover the cost, you can pay for it yourself, using financing options if you need to). She told me about what she eats and how having the surgery has affected her life, and she invited me to come to the office for an informational seminar.

Also during this time, I started doing my own research. I looked for people who blogged about being banded, and it turns out there's an amazing group of B.O.O.B.s who are a wealth of information, support, and humor. But I didn't just take their word for it. I researched the heck out of weight loss surgeries in general. How safe are they? How expensive are they? What complications can arise? What is life after surgery like? What are my options? Can I really do this?

The Hubs (ever the pragmatic one) was mostly concerned about cost. And being the realist that he is, he also wanted to make sure that if we were going to spend the money (it's, of course, not covered by my insurance) that I would actually stick with it and not find ways to 'cheat' the system. Boy, does he know me or what? It's kind of scary.

He agreed to go to the seminar with me, and by the end of it, he said if we had the money, HE would have the surgery ASAP. Of course, if anyone's going to have the surgery, it's going to be me, because we can't afford to both do it.

It's going to be me.

I have made the decision. I'm going to have Lap-Band surgery.

You may not like it, and that's okay. You may not agree with it, and that's okay too. You may be happy for me, and that's excellent. All I know is that I am finally making a decision to do something for myself. And I'm thrilled!

Now, I am in the very early stages of planning here. I've only gone to the seminar and done the research. I haven't had a consultation or worked out the financing or set a date. In fact, I have to wait to do anything until The Hubs finds a steady job, so it might be months before I can actually put my plan into action.

But at least I've got a plan.

There's the decision. Want to know the confession?

I'm scared.

Here are just some of the things I worry about, and also a little bit about how I am overcoming the fear:

~The Cost~

Being a self-pay patient is going to cost me about $14,000. That's a chunk of change. And it's not like we have it stashed under our mattress for just such occasions. We will have to finance and pay interest on it for years to come.  It will mean a car payment's worth of money coming out of our paychecks every month.

However, remaining morbidly obese will cost me well over $14,000 over the course of the rest of my life. And it will not only cost me monetarily, but it will cost me physically. My dad is basically dying of unchecked Diabetes, have I mentioned that lately? That will be me. And me being overweight doesn't just affect me or my quality of life anymore - it affects Bubbers now, too. Being morbidly obese means that I can't play with him the way I want to. I can't do the things I want to do, and being this fat is almost an early death sentence. I want to be around for him. Not experiencing his life to the fullest is a cost that I am not willing to pay.

~The Surgery~

One thing that I didn't know until I did my research is that having the Lap-Band means actually having a port attached to the muscle in your stomach. Permanently. As in, it's always there, and when you get skinny enough, you can sometimes see and feel it. (Gross!) Having that port also means getting a needle stuck in your abdomen for "fills". I guess when I thought about the concept of the Lap-Band, I never realized that it was something that was dynamic, that changed. I just thought you had the surgery, they put a "collar" on your stomach, and you lived your life. Now I know that's not the case. Just because you have the surgery doesn't mean you're done. You have to maintain the band. Get it filled and un-filled. It's not something Ron Popeil created - you can't just "Set it and forget it!"

I have made peace with the fact that there will be a foreign object in my body for the rest of my life. And, it wasn't really that hard to deal with the thought of the needle and fills/unfills because of the insulin shots I had to give myself while pregnant. That was multiple times a day. If I can deal with that, I can deal with a few adjustments a year if I have to.

I have made peace with the fact that it's surgery. I had my gallbladder taken out in early 2008, and the process is similar to that. I had a 10 pound baby delivered by c-section and survived. If I don't have this surgery, there will be other surgeries because of it. My Diabetes, if left unchecked, could mean heart, liver, eye, or foot damage, all of which lead to surgeries. (All of which, except for liver, are surgeries that my dad has had, by the way).

I generally do well under the knife, and although I know that there are always possible complications, I'm not concerned.

~Life After The Band~

What does having the band mean? How will it affect my day to day life? What will I have to change?

This is the big one for me. The money, we can find somewhere. The surgery, I can handle. But life after? That's the scary part. I'm having this surgery because I need someone or something to FORCE me to change my ways. (But that scares the shit out of me!)

How is the Lap-Band going to force me to change? I'll have to temporarily succumb to a liquid diet, and might have to return to it after fills and if I have any issues. I'll have to cut my food into the tiniest of tiny pieces and chew it to a pulp. For evah. I'll have to watch my protein intake and make sure I'm getting vitamins and nutrients. I'll have to quit drinking during my meals (which I'm not entirely convinced I'll be able to do), and most difficult of all for me, I'll have to give up pop (and all carbonated beverages) for good.

My dad works for Coca-Cola. Diet Coke runs through my veins. And I'll have to give it up.

(Now, just so you're fully informed, there is some controversy surrounding this restriction.Some doctors don't say that you can never drink pop, and some do.  The doctor at CWLC says you do, so I will.)

 These are all big, daily, life-altering changes. Scary stuff.

But what would life be like if I didn't have the surgery? If I continue on the course that I've taken for thirty years? Sure, life without the band would be easier in some respects. I could drink what ever I want and eat what ever I want, but then I'm where I always have been. Only worse. Lap Band Gal says "If hunger isn't the problem, then eating isn't the solution."

Being able to eat whatever I want is not going to make my life worth living.

All in all, I have researched, asked questions, thought, debated, cried, and pretty much done everything I can think of to make sure that having this surgery is the right thing for me. And I wholeheartedly believe it is. It's not a quick fix or a simple solution. It takes effort and commitment just like dieting and exercise, but the Lap-Band is there to help.

It's like this: let's pretend that in order for me to reach a healthy weight, I have to swim across the ocean. Diet and Exercise are my arms and legs. They are the tools that I have to get there. Now, I could swim and swim and swim to my heart's content, but there's pretty much no way that I'll make it across the ocean on my own. Then along comes Lap-Band - my life jacket - which makes me just a little more buoyant, and in turn, makes my journey just a little bit easier. Now at least I have a chance.

Lap-Band is going to be my life jacket. I'll swim harder than I ever have before, and it will help me go farther than I ever thought I could.

A Special Treat...

You get my Monday Weigh-In a day early!

I know, I know, you're sitting there wondering how in the world you got so lucky. Well, you can thank my job. I'm currently sitting in the airport waiting for my flight to Atlanta, and then finally to Ft. Lauderdale, where I will be spending two days gathering ideas for our LMS/intranet at a sister company. At any rate, there will not be a reliable scale in my hotel room on Monday morning, so I figured I'd weigh in today so as not to miss it.

Last week, 273.6. This week...

(Drumroll, please)

270.8

2.8 pounds! Yay! And it's a really short week, too, since I weighed in on Tuesday and it's now Sunday. I peeked at the scale yesterday and saw a glimmer of hope that I would weigh in under 270, but alas, it didn't happen. That's okay, though, because I'm stoked with 2.8 pounds!

What have I done differently this week?

Well, since my plane's about to board, I guess you'll have to wait to find out. :)

I can't button my pants.

(It's my 200th blog post! Woot! I hope you weren't expecting anything earth shattering to mark the occasion.)

Yes, interwebs, it's true. I wore pants to work today that I am physically unable to button. It's past laundry day, so I'm literally down to the 'slim' pickins. They are size 22 camel colored slacks.

Size 22.

TWENTY-TWO!

Apparently, size 22 is 'slim' in my world now. I am, quite literally, too big for my britches. When did that happen? How did that happen? Rhetorical questions, of course, because I know exactly when and how, but I like to pretend that I don't.

Anyway, I bought several pair of capris before our recent visit to South Carolina, and most of those were 24s. Except for one pair. In one pair, I had to buy the biggest number I've ever bought. I *shudder* thinking about it.

I bought a 26.

(Which is not to say that anyone wearing a 26 or higher should feel horrible about herself. It is just to say that I, personally, have never had to reach that number, and it was a big deal to me.)

I know that stores size things all wonkey and that an 18 in one store could be a 22 in another, but no matter how off the sizing is, I don't have to be a genius to know that a 22, 24, 26 is too big for me. I wish I could say that I don't get caught up in numbers, but when the numbers keep going up, you HAVE to get caught up in them or else they'll just keep going that way.

I vow to never have to buy a 26 (or higher) again.

Soon, I'll share a picture of Mount Pantsuvius, the mile-high stack of jeans and slacks that I'm saving because I refuse to give up hope that I'll be able to fit back into them one day. I just can't bring myself to give up the dream and donate them to Goodwill. When I get home, I'll have one more pair to add to the top. But one day...

One day, Mount Pantsuvius will be conquered and replaced. Goodwill will get my pants, and they'll get them because I can't fit into them. Not because I'm too big, but because they're too big, and no buttoning in the world would ever make them fit.

Breakup Progress Report

Hellz. Yeah.

I said at least 30 minutes. 30:01, baby.

I said at least 1.5 miles. 1.536, baby. 

Are they earth shattering goals? No. At least, it's something.

"I'm here for the party and I ain't leavin' till they throw me out"

(Here for the Party - Gretchen Wilson)

Who:  You! (And Me, too)

What:  The start (or continuation) of a healthiness journey

When:  Today, tomorrow, and for the rest of your life

Where:  Anywhere you wish! (Some bad ideas include a comfy couch, a favorite fast food restaurant, or the bottom of a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos).

Why:  Because We Like You! No, really, because you deserve to live the best life you can.

How:  Sit on a bike, Eat better, Sleep more, Procrastinate being lazy, Make Excuses for why you can't give up.

Come join the party!

P.S. Half way through writng this post, I thought it seemed familiar. And then I remembered that Jack Sh*t posted something similar earlier this month. Jack, please consider this un homage to you.

Do you see what I see?

Sweat makes you beautiful. End of story.

Found it!

Remember back when I started this blog? Remember when I was gung ho about losing weight? Remember when I actually lost some of it?!

Found it!

Whether it is because of that evil Actos causing my extreme hunger, the fatigue that comes with being fat and/or lazy, or something completely different, who knows? All I know is that I now weigh 263.0 pounds. Which means that since my doctor's visit on 3/1, I have gained more than 10 pounds. In a little over a month.

Ten Pounds.

In a month.

Yep. It deserves to be bolded and italicized. It's beyond ridiculous. While part of me knows that at least some of the weight gain is caused by the medication and therefore (slightly) beyond my control, the rest of me knows that I still make the choice to shove the food in my mouth. I still chose to sit on my ass. So, therefore, I have no one to blame but myself.

However, (da dada daaaaaaaaaaaaaaa) The Eternal Optimist strikes again! I have a few things going in my favor as of late.

1) I am seriously out of time to lose weight before we try to get pregnant, which means NO. MORE. PROCRASTINATING!

2) I am self-medicating. Or, rather, self-un-medicating as the case may be, and declaring war on Actos. (Conspiracy theory rant coming, be warned...)

Here's my thought on the subject: Actos is a drug that helps to control your diabetes by making your cells less insulin resistant. However, one of the widespread side effects of actos is extreme hunger and weight gain. (See above.) Therefore, my hypothesis is that the drug is only produced as a money-making machine (hello, $140/month!) that helps to control the symptoms, but perpetuates the disease. The more weight you gain, the longer - and worse - your diabetes will be, thus needing the prescription for longer/higher doses.

It is not a long-term solution to my diabetes problem, and I see it as a waste of money. With my current insurance plan (if you can call it that), I pay out of pocket for the first $6000 of my health care/prescriptions per year. $6000. Straight from my paycheck to the doctor/pharmacy/pharmaceutical company. I'm not going to pay $140 a month for a prescription that, in effect, forces me to become addicted to it.

So, yeah, suffice it to say that I'm not taking the Actos anymore. End rant.

3) My company started The Biggest Loser competition again! This year, it's in teams, which I find to be a nice method of accountability. Who wants to be known for dragging down their co-workers? Not I, said the fly.

I paid my $25 (more accountability!), and weighed in Friday during our company health screening. (Which, btw, I was forced to do if I didn't want to spend $600 more on my health insurance premiums, but that's another story). My health screening didn't tell me anything I didn't already know: OBESE! DIABETIC! SLIGHTLY PRE-HYPERTENSIVE, BUT REALLY GREAT CHOLESTEROL! At least it didn't get any worse, but it didn't get any better, fo' sho'. Ugh.

Anyway, this morning, I found out who my teammates are - an older (incredibly lovely) lady and a bodybuilder. No shit. This guy who started building muscle last year and just never stopped. And I ask you, why is he doing TBL? Why is he on my team? But, hey, maybe he's exactly what I need. We shall see.

4) My full-circle 5k is coming up! June 6th, I'll run the 5k that started it all - the very first 5k I ever "ran". I completed it in 47:37 last year, and I haven't yet decided what my goal should be this year. Should I make a time goal, or a distance running goal? Either way, I know that I want to finish faster and run more than I did last year. 
__________

And, I guess that's all for now. A rare weight-related post on my weight loss blog, imagine that! Hopefully I'll have more good stuff to report in the future. Stick with me, k? :-)

Diabetes Update

Had my 3 month A1c check-up on Monday. I was down a couple pounds, which the doctor was happy about. She basically said "It's winter. You didn't gain. That's a win". So I'll take it.

She said that since we have a very strict timeline as to when we want to get pregnant, she wanted to put me on another medication to help control my numbers. From what I understand, the Metformin that I'm on helps by increasing the insulin that my body produces. And apparently, that's not enough. So this new medication, Actos, works in addition to the Metformin, by helping my body become less insulin-resistant. "Combination Therapy" she called it. "Throw yet another pill into the mix" I heard. But if it's gonna get my numbers to where they need to be so that I can have a healthy baby, I'll do it.

You wanna hear the downside? I picked up my prescription - 30 teeeny tiiiny pills. $139.22.

$139.22

This is 30 pills. So small that they all fit inside the lid of the bottle. Ridiculous, I tell you.

Diabetes is expensive.

All the more reason for me to try to get my numbers down naturally. I can't afford these pills throughout the duration of my pregnancy, and I can't afford an unhealthy baby. I have 3 months to get these numbers down to where they need to be. The more I can do that with diet and exercise, the better off we'll all be in the long (and short) run.

To start, I did over an hour with Mr. Treadmill last night. 500 calories burned. Good stuff. The hard part is never actually staying on the treadmill. The hard part is just stepping on to the damn thing. Forcing, bribing, or talking myself into that is wherein my struggle lies. That is what I have to get better at.

Now, which one of you is going to volunteer to show up at my doorstep to make me?

Whatever it takes...

Does it really matter what the motivation is for me to get on the treadmill tonight?

A year ago, it was so that I could be healthy and cute.

Earlier today, my motivation was the thought of getting pregnant.

Tonight, it's because I found out that some people from my past are going to be at an event in the future, and I would really love an 'in your face' moment.

Again, I ask, does it matter? Because as far as I'm concerned, as long as I get on there, it's a win.

In case you're interested...

I've been thinking about starting a baby blog for a while now. (Yes, even though I'm not yet pregnant...).

I finally did it today. So if you're interested, you can follow my other blog here. I hope you'll visit! :)