NSV and Being a Preppy

Happy Monday morning to you!

Hope you all had a great weekend. Mine was spent sans husband and child (lovely!) running errands, cleaning house, and working on school stuff. The school situation still looks bleak, but I'm trying to stay get positive about it.

No matter how dreary and depressing the school situation might be, I've got an NSV to tell you about that definitely put me in a good mood!

MFN (My Friend Natalie, the lovely lady who did the Shamrock Shuffle with me) has a birthday two days after mine. We were even born the same year (1982 represent!), so I'm officially two days older than her. So naturally, having a BFF whose birthday is so close, we usually celebrate together - usually by NOT running 5ks - and get each other small gifts.

MFN is going to school right now, so she works two part time jobs. One of those jobs is at The Loft outlet. And I can honestly tell you that I've never set foot in The Loft in all my life. Because I have always known that it was futile. Nothing there is going to fit me, so why put myself through the drama? But at our post-what-we-thought-was-a-5k-but-later-found-out-was-a-4.5k breakfast, Miss Natalie handed me a shopping bag from the store.

I thought she was just re-using a bag and never expected the gifts inside to actually be from The Loft. But they were. Two super cute shirts. And Natalie is super supportive of the whole Lap Band thing, while also being the friendly kind of realistic, so she told me that the shirts were something to work toward. I had no expectations of being able to fit into something from a "regular" store in a "regular" size, so I thanked her for the motivation and went about my day.

But yesterday, I was trying on a bunch of other clothes that I already owned, and figured I'd give it a "what the hell". Do you see what I see?

Blurry pic, and I'm looking slightly zombie-ish around the eyes. Makeup, Anna! 

Your eyes are not deceiving you.

HO-LY HELL. This is seriously mind blowing to me. I cannot believe that shirt actually fits ME. Now, the universe making sure I don't get too cocky about anything, made sure that the other XL shirt MFN gave me was a completely different story not fit for public consumption. But this shirt. It fits. A size XL from a regularly-sized-people-shop-here store. NUTSO.

In other news, and on the topic of being a preppy:

Remember my recent post about being lazy? A lot of you had great suggestions about preparation being key to actually getting shit done. So I took advantage of a recent grocery shopping trip and the fact that The Hubs and The Kid were gone, and got my prep on.

Thanks, LoganMan, for donating your snack cups to the cause. 

I bought some lunch meat and portioned it out into 3 ounce portions. I used chicken and turkey. I also bought a quarter watermelon and sliced it up into chunks. Wow, that was a juicy job, let me tell you! Easy enough, but definitely messy. It then got packaged into containers of about 4 ounces each. Then I packed two tablespoons-ish of my current obsession, Dean's French Onion Dip, into small containers to go with pretzels that I keep in a drawer at my desk. Combine these with an EAS protein shake for breakfast and some yogurt for a snack, and I am ready to go! 

Lookie here, all organized and shit. 

And then, I took it all one step further, and pre-bagged each day's lunch. I packed for four days of lunches, figuring I'll give myself Friday as a day to eat out as a treat.

Middle row, pretty Kroger bags all ready to go! 

Oh, and if you're wondering what those brown things are sticking out of the beer bottles at the top left, The BFF made The Hubs Beer Reindeer for Christmas. Those are pipe cleaner antlers. LMAO. 

Anyway, it felt great to be so prepared and ready to go. It was awesome this morning to just be able to pick up a bag and walk out the door. The only downside is that all that prep came at a cost to my school work - I had to choose which thing I wanted to spend time on, and prepping and packing four days of lunches (including cutting up a watermelon and peeling/slicing four baby cucumbers for The Kid) isn't really a quick process. I'm happy to have done it, though. Can't wait for lunch today! 

Everyday I'm Shufflin'...(a long semi-rant)

Saturday was my 31st birthday. I decided long ago (never to walk in anyone's shadow) to do a 5k to celebrate this wonderful occasion. So I picked The Shamrock Shuffle. It turned out to be a HUGE race, with over 5,000 participants.

MFN and I before the race. It was COLD.

This race was so poorly organized, but I didn't really realize how bad it was until later that night. Random things would happen throughout the experience that I would kind of question, but because of the excitement of being there, I just kind of let them go. But now, after the adrenaline is gone, I'm really kind of bummed about a lot of things. 

1) The "festival" area where the before and after block parties were held was A MESS. Everything was tightly packed in a small space, when they had tons of room that they could have spread out into. They were giving away free food both before and after the race, but it was stuff that I would NEVER consider eating at 8 am - Cool Ranch Dorito Tacos from Taco Bell, Chips and Guacamole from Qdoba, Frozen Yogurt from Menchie's Frozen Yogurt (it was like 30 degrees outside!). Re-donk. 

2) The starting line for the races was a short walk away from the festival area, but (this is hard to explain, so I'm going to try my best) the only way to get to the starting line was from one direction. But the direction we were all coming from headed straight for the front of the pack, the front of the starting line. So people didn't realize that they had to keep walking and go to the back of the pack if they were walkers/with strollers/with dogs, etc. They just walked up to the mass of people and stopped, not realizing that they were in the front of the line. The start and first half mile of that race was a complete clusterf***. 

3) My second biggest pet peeve of the whole thing - they had no mile or km markers along the whole race! Who "professionally organizes" a 5k and doesn't put up mile markers?! Natalie and I aren't cool enough to have runner's Garmins or anything like that, so we had to go off of our estimated time. It's a really good thing that I thought to look at my phone as we were crossing the starting line, or we would have had absolutely NO idea about our approximate location on the course. 

4) The finish line signage was backwards! We were moving along and I saw a big thing of signage up ahead of us, but it was facing the other direction, so I thought there was no way we were headed for the finish line. Usually, the word "FINISH" is facing you, and that's how you know. Not with this ass backwards race. The "FINISH" signage was facing the freaking spectators! WTF, dude?

5) They were completely unprepared for the waves of finishers at the line. Nobody was manning the water stations, so people were piling up trying to get water out of big plastic cases. There was nobody directing people to/where to turn in their timing chips. As a result, Natalie and I didn't even realize we still had ours until we were eating breakfast at IHOP later! Now we have to waste time and a stamp to mail them in. 

The backwards finish line. High on thinking we had completed our goal. But did we?

6) And my biggest pet peeve about this stupid race? The organizers posted on their FB page later that evening that the 5k course was actually shorted. Remember back up at number four when I said I thought there was no way we were actually headed for the finish line at that point? I knew something was wrong. I knew the numbers didn't add up. I thought we had to keep going around and head into the finish corral from the front, because it just didn't feel right. And our race time seemed really freaking good for two girls who hadn't trained much at all and who walked the vast majority of the course. Well, la ti da, no wonder our times were so good - instead of doing 3.1 miles, we only did 2.8. They shorted the course by three tenths of a fracking mile! Instead of a birthday 5k, I did a birthday 4.5k. I was robbed. 

And you know, I try to stay positive. At least I got out of bed. At least I paid the $30 entry fee. At least we did it even though it was butt ass cold. At least. But at the same time, there's something about that distance. Something about officially going 3.1 miles, that I feel like we didn't really accomplish our goal. Even though we thought we were doing it at the time, we didn't. It's a bummer. 

But we did have fun. Natalie worked really hard to distract me through the parts where I wanted to die. We gossiped about girls' jiggly butts in their too-tight running pants and tried to figure out which ones were wearing underwear and which ones weren't. At one point, we started singing songs to keep our brains occupied. We would sing until we forgot the words, and then pick up another song. I'm sure the people around us hated us, but I really don't care. We traded sweaty gloves back and forth when our hands got too cold or hot. We plotted our outfits for next year, if we decide we're crazy enough to do this again.

We did have fun, and that's what birthdays are supposed to be about. Not-really-a-5k-5ks and all. 

Wednesday Weigh-In

Last Week: 247.8
This Week: 247.8
No change

And I'm all, "eh, whatever" about that right now. It's not a gain, and it would have been nice to see the numbers I was seeing on Monday after a weekend of being so sick that I didn't eat anything for almost 48 hours. But that is the chance you take with being a daily weigher, and I also knew that once I was feeling better and started eating again, some of that weight would come back. It is what it is - I have too many other things on my mind right now to be disappointed in a wash week.

Would you like to step inside my head? Draz did something similar recently, and I found it fascinating. But really, I just have way too much crap going on and can't focus on any one thing, so I'm gonna write them all down to try to make sense of them. Here's the shit storm that is my mind, in no particular order:

1. Work. I'm not particularly happy in my job and I also don't work as hard as I could. Guilt plus general apathy does not equal the most productive Anna, which creates more guilt. Also, February has been and will continue to be a whirlwind of training events that I just don't have the energy to organize and host. 
2. School. I have seriously hit zero hour with school. My term ends on March 31st, but I have to have all of my "tasks" (19 - yes, you read that right, 19 - papers and one science experiment) finished about a week before that to give them time to get graded. How many of my 19 papers and one science experiment do I have finished? Zero. Zip. Zilch. Nada. None. And it's all my fault. 
3. Moving. I haven't really talked about this at all because I have a really hard time forming words around it. After MANY protests and tears, I have finally agreed for our family to move in with my husband's parents. For an unspecified amount of time, but probably at least a year. There is so much emotion surrounding this for me that I could probably write a year's worth of blog posts about it. I'm grateful that they're willing to take us in, but apprehensive and anxious about the change. Suffice it to say, I just don't want to do it.
4. Moving Logistics. In addition to the fact that moving in with my in-laws is not high up on my bucket list, there is A LOT  of work that has to be done in order for it to be possible. All by April 30th. The in-laws and The Hubs have to strip out a storage area down to the bare insulation and completely renovate the room. They have to add heat to one side of the house. They have to run wiring for internet. They have to go through three large rooms of accumulated gark and sort/store it all. Then we have to pack up our entire apartment and either move it to what storage area they have left or to a storage unit. I am paralyzed by the weight of it all and can't really see how it is all going to work out right now. 
5. Valentine's Day. Probably the least of my worries right now, but something that keeps nagging my brain like a gnat on speed. I completely forgot about the holiday until I started hearing all the commercials on the radio. And now it's the day before and I will have to brave the Hallmark store with all the last-minute husbands. 
6. Over-Estimating Time Constraints. Again. Sometime in January, I decided to make a gift for a person who may or may not currently be reading this blog. The time to deliver the gift is rapidly approaching and said gift is nowhere near complete. I had time, then I still had time, and now I have no time. I have been stressed out about it and working on it like a mad woman every day at lunch and after work. Mom guilt is killing me right now because my eyes are plastered on this project all night instead of on my kid. The Hubs has been super helpful, though, with trying to keep Logan Man occupied so I can make some progress. As of right now, I believe I will be able to finish it in time, but it is going to be very close. Probably something like crocheting the last of the Christmas dish cloths at 3 am Christmas morning. Something like that. 
7. A Rapidly Approaching 5k. It's coming and I'm not ready for it. I have been so lazy/preoccupied with other things that I haven't given much time or thought to training. I am sad to say that I haven't been back to the fitness center since those two days in a row sometime back in January. I need to suck it up and take five minutes at night to put my lunch and workout clothes together so that I can get some training done. However, if I train during lunch, I can't work on my gift project during lunch. So right now, because the gift deadline is much closer than the 5k deadline, gift is winning. 
8. Crappy Sleep and Vivid Dreams. I haven't been sleeping well lately, and it seems like when I finally get to sleep, all I'm doing is having very vivid dreams about things that I don't want to think about. So even when I'm sleeping, I'm stressed out. I am exhausted and feel like I just can't win. 

I can't think of anything else right now, but this almost qualified for a Ten Things Thursday...maybe I should have saved it for tomorrow. Oh well. It's here now, so it stays. 

This is just one of those oh so joyous times in life where it just seems like everything is being piled on top of me so fast that I can't dig out and can't breathe. I know that it will all work out, and I keep trying to remind myself that once the gift is finished, I can work on the school and the 5k. And once The Hubs' parents get rooms cleared out, I can start packing and moving our crap ton of stuff. And once May 1st comes around, everything on that list except for work and my crazy dreams will have come and gone. Nothing is permanent. These things are temporary. 

It's all temporary. Right?

Wahoo!

So the back's still screwy, which is no fun at all. But, I did get to the work fitness center both yesterday AND today! (Cue gasp!)

Yesterday, I forced myself to do the whole 3.1 miles, since it has been over three years since I moved that distance.

Wow. It was HARD.

Seven weeks to birthday 5k. Ain't nobody got time for clear pictures!

Ignore the sad time. 

I walked the VAST majority of that, and ran a teenytiny bit. I did it, but I felt like total crap afterward. Like, seriously, chills and shakes and falling asleep at my desk. So, methinks I may have over done it a bit. Blah.

Today, though, I went in and just walked at (what is to me) a brisk pace - 3.3 speed for most of the time. And I stopped after 1/2 an hour. I got more than half a 5k done in that time, and I felt GREAT afterward! Energized and happy, and excited. Not like I wanted to die a slow, painful death at my desk.

I have every intention of working up to the full 3.1 miles again, because I know that only doing half 5ks won't help me at all when it comes time for the Shamrock Shuffle. But I loved the feeling I had today after my workout. I'm going to stick with the brisk walk, half 5ks for this week and then see how I feel next week. At the very least, it's movement.

I've been doing pretty well on food, too. Not really feeling the restriction as much anymore, but I'm trying to focus on eating less carbs and watching my night time snacking. Hoping it will show at tomorrow's weigh in!

How YOU Doin'?

We're almost two full weeks into 2013 now, so I figured it's a good time to check up on my 2013 Commitments. If you'll remember, I came up with a list of six "commitments" (not "resolutions", patooey!) in this post. Here's how they're shaping up so far:

1. Fills every two weeks until "sweet spot": Even though I've had a couple stuck episodes since my last fill, I still don't think I'm where I need to be. I can still eat MUCH more than I'm comfortable with, and the weight has been just kind of hovering since then. I do think I need another fill, and I would totally go in this Saturday, but they're booked up. Boo! I can't go during the week because I have no vacation/sick time until the end of April, and they don't have late hours. And now they're telling me they're not open every weekend anymore, but only "certain" weekends during the month. So I have to get with them and find the next available weekend that I can go in for a fill. Blargh. 
2. Bringing my lunch to work: I'm actually doing pretty well with this. I brought a couple times the first week, twice last week, and I packed today. With Commitments number 4 and 5, I am going to have to bring my lunch more because I won't have time to actually take a lunch at work. More on this below. 
3. At least one 5k: In progress! I signed up for the Shamrock Shuffle on March 9th (my 31st birthday, by the way. Gifts accepted.) Knowing that a 5k is paid for and looming over my head means that I actually need to prepare for it a little bit so that I'm not COMPLETELY miserable the whole time. See below. 
4. Moving more/acknowledging work fitness center: See above. I've had a slight hiccup on this one, since I seem to have shaken my booty a tad too hard on Just Dance 4, and found my way into a herniated disk flare-up. I am noticing that the flare up isn't as bad as it had been when I was 30 pounds heavier, but it's still no fun. So I'm babying things for now, but The Hubs and I did take Bubbers on a 30 minute walk over the weekend, and I brought clothes/shoes/etc. to get some treadmill time in at the fitness center today in preparation for my upcoming birthday 5k. Lookie there, all prepared and shit. 
5. Following the bandster rules: My fill has really forced me to comply with several of the rules - eating slowly, taking small bites, and chew chew chewing. I find that I'm sure to get stuck if I bite into something rather than cut it up and use a fork to eat it. I guess I just can't gauge a "small" bite by actually biting into it. I'm still having difficulties with no drinking while eating. One, because I hate the gross feeling of food in my mouth, and two, because I'm trying really hard to get water in, and find it difficult to do if I have to "lose" a few hours of prime drinking time because of eating. It's all new to me and I'm still working it all out. 
6. Focusing more on school: Excuse me while I hide in a corner. I have until the end of March before this term is over and I haven't. accomplished. anything. GAH! I'm stuck in this math class and I can't get past it. And it just makes me frustrated so that I don't even want to acknowledge its existence. But I have to get my butt in gear if I ever want to move forward and away from my current job. Blargh.  

All in all, I think I'm doing pretty well for two weeks in. This week starts my 5k prep, and even though my back is one unhappy little camper, I'm still going to try to get in there and get a t5k (treadmill 5k) done 3-4 days this week. I guess we'll see how it goes today, but I'm hoping it will actually HELP my back instead of hurt it more. 

Did you make any commitments or resolutions? If so, have you checked your progress? How is it going? 

TTT

Thanks, Laura Belle, for the wonderful-ness that is Ten Things Thursday. Wherein I get to take the lazy way out and still feel like a good blogger.

 1) Work is nutso. Part of my hodge podge of a job description involves recording training videos. I spent the last two full days recording. And I mean, literally, videotaping seminars from 8 am to 5:30 pm. It is exhausting and no fun.

 2) Speaking of work, I got "spoken to" today about the fact that I come in between 5 to 20 minutes late every day. Bummer.

 3) My work to do list is re-donk. Just shoot me now.

 4) No stuck episodes since Tuesday's lunch! Huzzah! And thanks for the comments on the last post. I am in agreement with y'all. No unfill for this lady. Just a whole bunch of slow down and small bites for me! Seems to be working now.

 5) My spaz of a 2-year-old has decided that any time between 3:45 and 6:30 am is a great time for a crib party. Seriously. All week long, he has woken up between these hours and has a grand old time carrying on a conversation with himself. It wouldn't be such a big deal if his head and my head weren't separated by about 4 inches of paper-thin wall.

 6) I have an official goal to weigh in at 231 by my March 9th birthday. It's a slightly crazy goal that would require me losing more than two pounds a week, but I really think that with my new-found restriction and upping the exercise ante (which I haven't done yet, oops!) I might be able to do it. Or at least get super close. If you will recall, my highest NPR (non-pregnant recorded) weight was 281, in March of last year. If, by my birthday, I get to 231, it will be 50 pounds down in a year. Which would be total awesomesauce, if you ask me.

 7) I had to change the comment settings for my blog because I am getting SO MANY spam comments! It is so frustrating! Hopefully, the change that I made (allowing only registered users to comment) will stop the stupid spammers, but not be as frustrating to y'all as if I had turned on word verification. I really HATE word verification, and it's the last option for me as far as this goes. So let me know if you have issues commenting, please!

 8) The Hubs and I are going to see "Shrek: The Musical" on the 18th. I'm super excited for this because {1} It's Shrek! and {2} The Hubs actually agreed to go to the theater with me, which is like a "hell froze over" kind of event!

 9) I know I've said this recently, but the whole learning how to follow bandster rules thing? It's hard. But I'm kind of glad that I had two stuck episodes, because I'm so much more careful now about chewing and small bites-ing since I know that pain. And me no-likey the pain.

10) Biggest news of all: I done gone and did it. I signed up for my first 5k of 2013!!! On my birthday, no less! So even though it will definitely be cold, and there's the possibility that there will be snow - believe me, we've had blizzards on my birthday weekend in March before - I will be at the Shamrock Shuffle, shufflin' my 5k worth of buns off. And it's already paid for and everything. So I have to do it now! I've got about 8 weeks to get my butt in gear, so we definitely need to come up with a plan up in here. But I'm super excited to get back into running, and to have a goal to work toward. Woo! 

New Year, New Choices...and a Wednesday Weigh In

Last Week: 254.2
This Week: 252.6
Loss: 1.6 lb

Well, Happy New Year to me! I wasn't expecting a good number today, what with all the holiday mumbo jumbo going on. 1.6 pounds is awesome, and I'm super happy with it. I finally hit my first mini goal of 10 pounds down since starting the pre-surgery diet. (Which would have been at 253.8, so I kind of just blew through that one!) But I didn't quite make it to my goal of losing 30 pounds in my 30th year - just 28.4.

Wait.

Just 28.4? JUST TWENTY EIGHT FRACKING POUNDS?! Anna! Get your head out of your ass! You lost more than 28 pounds last year! That is amazing! And way better than gaining weight every. single. year. of your life like you HAD been doing.

(Okay, okay, voices in my head...28.4 pounds is A LOT and I'm freaking awesome. Better?)

Ahem...anyway...

And so, for the first time I can literally ever remember, I'm starting this year weighing significantly less than the last. And it feels awesome. And I can't wait to see what is to come. Here are my commitments for 2013:

• I have a fill on Saturday, and I'm committing to fills every two weeks until I get to where I need to be. No more wasting this tool (and my money!)
• I'm committing to bringing my lunch more to work. I'm not going to say a specific number of times or anything, but that I will bring it more. Which shouldn't be hard, because I can probably count on both hands the number of times I brought lunch to work last year. 
• I'm committing to at least one 5k. Even if I have to train and run it by myself, I'm doing one. 
• I'm committing to moving more. My Mom bought me Just Dance 4 for the Wii, and I've busted a few moves and busted out some sweat, so that will be one of my options. As a tiny little side commitment attached to this one, I'm committing to stop ignoring the fact that my workplace has a fitness center that I walk right past several times a day.
• I'm committing to following the bandster rules. Even the ones I hate. *cough*Nodrinkingwhileeating*cough*
• I'm committing to focusing more on school. Gotta get that done in order to leave my crappy current job. 

My favorite commitment this year is that I'm committing to have more fun. Because as Ferris Bueller said,

 "Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you might miss it."

Breakup Progress Report

Hellz. Yeah.

I said at least 30 minutes. 30:01, baby.

I said at least 1.5 miles. 1.536, baby. 

Are they earth shattering goals? No. At least, it's something.

Found it!

Remember back when I started this blog? Remember when I was gung ho about losing weight? Remember when I actually lost some of it?!

Found it!

Whether it is because of that evil Actos causing my extreme hunger, the fatigue that comes with being fat and/or lazy, or something completely different, who knows? All I know is that I now weigh 263.0 pounds. Which means that since my doctor's visit on 3/1, I have gained more than 10 pounds. In a little over a month.

Ten Pounds.

In a month.

Yep. It deserves to be bolded and italicized. It's beyond ridiculous. While part of me knows that at least some of the weight gain is caused by the medication and therefore (slightly) beyond my control, the rest of me knows that I still make the choice to shove the food in my mouth. I still chose to sit on my ass. So, therefore, I have no one to blame but myself.

However, (da dada daaaaaaaaaaaaaaa) The Eternal Optimist strikes again! I have a few things going in my favor as of late.

1) I am seriously out of time to lose weight before we try to get pregnant, which means NO. MORE. PROCRASTINATING!

2) I am self-medicating. Or, rather, self-un-medicating as the case may be, and declaring war on Actos. (Conspiracy theory rant coming, be warned...)

Here's my thought on the subject: Actos is a drug that helps to control your diabetes by making your cells less insulin resistant. However, one of the widespread side effects of actos is extreme hunger and weight gain. (See above.) Therefore, my hypothesis is that the drug is only produced as a money-making machine (hello, $140/month!) that helps to control the symptoms, but perpetuates the disease. The more weight you gain, the longer - and worse - your diabetes will be, thus needing the prescription for longer/higher doses.

It is not a long-term solution to my diabetes problem, and I see it as a waste of money. With my current insurance plan (if you can call it that), I pay out of pocket for the first $6000 of my health care/prescriptions per year. $6000. Straight from my paycheck to the doctor/pharmacy/pharmaceutical company. I'm not going to pay $140 a month for a prescription that, in effect, forces me to become addicted to it.

So, yeah, suffice it to say that I'm not taking the Actos anymore. End rant.

3) My company started The Biggest Loser competition again! This year, it's in teams, which I find to be a nice method of accountability. Who wants to be known for dragging down their co-workers? Not I, said the fly.

I paid my $25 (more accountability!), and weighed in Friday during our company health screening. (Which, btw, I was forced to do if I didn't want to spend $600 more on my health insurance premiums, but that's another story). My health screening didn't tell me anything I didn't already know: OBESE! DIABETIC! SLIGHTLY PRE-HYPERTENSIVE, BUT REALLY GREAT CHOLESTEROL! At least it didn't get any worse, but it didn't get any better, fo' sho'. Ugh.

Anyway, this morning, I found out who my teammates are - an older (incredibly lovely) lady and a bodybuilder. No shit. This guy who started building muscle last year and just never stopped. And I ask you, why is he doing TBL? Why is he on my team? But, hey, maybe he's exactly what I need. We shall see.

4) My full-circle 5k is coming up! June 6th, I'll run the 5k that started it all - the very first 5k I ever "ran". I completed it in 47:37 last year, and I haven't yet decided what my goal should be this year. Should I make a time goal, or a distance running goal? Either way, I know that I want to finish faster and run more than I did last year. 
__________

And, I guess that's all for now. A rare weight-related post on my weight loss blog, imagine that! Hopefully I'll have more good stuff to report in the future. Stick with me, k? :-)

So...

Two weeks ago, I ran a mile non-stop for the very first time in my life.

Then I did nothing.

Tonight, I ran a mile non-stop for the very second time in my life. And I did it 58 seconds faster.

What I'm learning from this is that I was always able to run a mile, I just never believed I could, and never cared enough to find out.

The first time, it was pretty easy. I didn't even start hurting until about 8/10 of a mile. Tonight, it was way harder. I didn't sleep well last night, I didn't wait very long after dinner for my food to digest, I've been super sore for the past 3-4 days for some unknown reason, and (tmi warning, my friends) TOM's visiting. Instead of breezing through 8/10 of a mile, I struggled through it.

Every. Single. Step.

I told myself I could quit at .5 mile. Then I got there and told myself I needed to see how much farter I could go. I got to .650 and wanted to quit so badly, but the OCD in me wanted to keep going until at least .75o, a much nicer number. Got to .750 and almost cried, I was so miserable. Luckily, the numbers were moving pretty quickly, so the suffering was not incredibly long-lived.

I made it to 1.000 for the 2nd time ever. So this means that no matter what, no matter the day, no matter how sucky it is, no matter how much I hurt, I can make it to 1.000.

No matter what.

2009...

Sure was an interesting year for me...

I started a blog and maintained it much more and longer than I thought I would.
I started and stopped (and started and stopped, and started and stopped) eating right and working out.
I lost (and kept off) 10 pounds for the first time ever.
I participated in FIVE 5k races.
I learned how to deal with a husband who is a full-time college student and a full-time third-shift employee.
I made a ton of new internet friends. (Hi y'all!)
I had a minor breakdown when I learned what it really meant to have Diabetes and want to get pregnant.

The BFF spent the year dealing with the big, honkin' tumor in her uterus. She also got engaged on Christmas Eve!

Tonja got married and is expecting her first baby (a girl, to be named Brianne Marie) in April.

MFN has somehow survived almost an entire year with a deployed husband. (Who will be home for two weeks at the end of this month! Yay!)

The Hubs and I came thisclose to buying a house. And then we didn't. We did buy a Wii, though. :)

I didn't do everything I set out to do when I wrote my first post. But I did lose weight, and I did do five 5ks, and most importantly, I learned A LOT. 2010 is just going to have to be the year I put all that learnin' to use. I have more tools at my disposal than I ever have, and I will never have a better reason than getting pregnant to motivate myself.

This is the year that it all happens. It has to be.

Five.

I was happy with four, really I was. That there's my problem, you see. I started out this year saying "Hell yeah, I'm gonna run five 5ks this year!" The first one sucked, but was exciting. The second, third and especially the fourth, really sucked and weren't quite as exciting as that first 5k high. I had the fifth one scheduled and then (miracle of miracles) I had to go to my Grandparents' 50th Anniversary that day and couldn't go to the race.

And you know what, besides a little disappointment, I was perfectly okay with not reaching my goal of five 5ks. I had made my peace with it, especially after the Cheetah Run absolutely kicked my ass.

Sure, there was a little nagging voice in my head saying "look, you need to do another one. You said you'd do five, and you need to do five." but he was so easily squashed by the memories of the suckiness of the previous ones that I really wasn't worried about it.

Then The BFF (bless her little, pea-picking heart) sent me an email at work one day a couple weeks ago.

"Any interest in doing this 5k with me?"
"Yes, actually." (Where the HELL did that come from?! That couldn't have been me!)

And then the dread set in. My thought process went something like this: "Oh my God, I have to do this again? What the hell am I thinking? Although, it would be nice to actually accomplish my goal. Yeah, but dude, they suck! I don't want to do this. I don't want to do this. I don't want to do this."

And most of the way to the course, I repeated that mantra. "I don't want to do this. I don't want to do this. I don't want to do this."

But, I did.

Here's The BFF and I with the Mayor of Santaland! Who knew that (1) there was a Santaland, and (2) it had a mayor who frequented 5ks? (ps...does he not look like a Willy Wonka character?! lol)

Yeah, it's all fun and games before the torture starts.

The 5k was through a local drive-through holiday lights display. Most of the first mile was a nice flat loop out and back, and then it went two times up through the loop where the lights display was. OH. MY. GOD. the hills. I will have nightmares about those hills. One hill that went up for ever and ever and ever. Then down a steep hill, then up a smaller hill, then down a steep hill, then up another freaking hill that went on for ever and ever and ever again, then down a steep hill.

I have never been so close to giving up in all my life. After the third hill on that loop, I really thought that I was going to finish the first lap around and give up. I very, very seriously considered stopping when I rounded the corner and saw the first hill looming in front of me. And the two-mile marker midway up was just a slap in the face. I couldn't do it. I couldn't face doing those hills again and going through that hell. It was cold. I couldn't feel my hands, I couldn't breathe, and when I did, it was icy daggers in my chest. I wasn't even two miles in yet, and had three huge, crazy-ass hills standing in my way.

And I didn't want to do the damn 5k in the first place.

Luc,kily, as I rounded that corner and saw that hill, I also caught a glimpse of two of my co-workers just a couple steps infront of me. They had started the race as walkers. As walkers, and they had passed me. Which isn't really that scandalous, since I'm used to getting passed by walkers when I do 5ks. But they were my co-workers. One, I didn't want to look bad infront of them, since they knew I started as a runner, and two, I was so focused on catching up with them that I temporarily forgot about my determination to give up, I turned the corner and started up those damn hills one last time.

And I finished that damn race. I finished my FIFTH 5k of 2009. As much as I didn't want to, I accomplished the goal I set back in May. I have actually completely completed a goal. Other than my wedding, I am almost 100% positive that I can't say that about anything else in my life.

I didn't want to, but I did, and I'm glad.

Proof

Reflection

I weighed in at 246.6 this morning, which means that I have lost 14.0 pounds since this journey began in January. 14 pounds in 8 months.

Even though it coulda, woulda, shoulda been more, I'm very content with it. Do you know why? Because those 14 pounds, however slow they may have come off, however many times I gained and lost, those 14 pounds mean that at some point in my life, I changed what I was doing. I may have fallen back into old habits, gained some, and lost some again, but I changed.

I am capable of change.

I am capable.

Right now, I have several things working to my advantage in that department. One, I'm taking my Metformin as I should, which, aside from keeping my blood sugars in check, also has the pleasant side effect of curbing appetite. As long as I keep taking it, I notice that I am full faster and get that uncomfortable feeling where you just. can't. shove. any. more. food. in. a lot sooner. The medicine has also helped me notice and acknowledge that feeling of being full.

I have also had a stomach virus-y thing for about a week, so without sharing the gory details, lets just suffice it to say that food isn't hanging around for very long in my system. I'm sure this has helped my weight loss along just a little bit this past week.

I am in one of those 'take it as it comes' moods with life currently. I'm trying not to let my OCD tendencies take over. I'm trying not to obsess about dieting, my weight, what should have been and the monumental task of what needs to be. I'm pretty sure my crazy anniversary challenge was doomed to failure before it even began. It's not where I am or want to be with my weight-loss journey right now. Right now, I want to take it slow.

I felt/feel overwhelmed with big challenges. It's too much pressure. It's too much stress. Pressure and stress lead to "fuck it". At least with me. You may be one of those people who thrive under unattainable deadlines and lofty goals. More power to you, my friend. More power to you.

Right now, I'm throwing myself into the "Any Progress is Good Progress" category. I'm making an effort to watch my portions, with the help of Mr. Metformin. I'm going to start making an effort to hop on the treadmill for half an hour at least 4x a week. Just 1/2 an hour, at at least 3.1 mph. Any progress is good progress, and any movement is good movement. I don't have to kill myself. I don't have to wish I could die just so it would mean I could get off the treadmill.

The math works. Eat less calories, burn more calories, weight comes off. It's magic! (Okay, well it's not magic, and it's a really, really sloooooooooooooooow process, but I have faith in the result).

I may not have reached "gung-ho", but as long as I'm putting forth some effort, I'll get there eventually.

Oh, and 5k number 4 was this past Sunday. There aren't enough colorful phrases in the English language for me to express to you the suckiness that was the Cheetah Run. Hills. Steep hills. Repeatedly. And a stomach virus to boot.

I went. I did. That's good enough for me.

11/79

Day 11: I feel myself slipping...

Calories: 1624
Exercise: Dreaded Steps of Doom...once.
Meds: Check. BS Checks, check.
Mood: Scared.

I totally could have worked out tonight, but didn't. I'm starting to slip back, and I just can't do that. I HAVE TO GET ON THE TREADMILL TONIGHT.

Who's going to come to my house and make sure I do it?

No one?

You mean I'm on my own in this whole thing? I have to do it myself?

Damn.

11 down, 68 to go. I hope I get there.

Weigh-in #2

246.6

Up 0.2 pounds.

I'd love to blame it all on TOM, but I know that having two straight days of being 600 calories over my limit didn't help. It sucks, and makes the coming weeks harder for me, but I'm not going to let it get me down.

This weekend was bad, so now I have to bounce back and get back to it. Simple as that.

Challenge Week 1 Recap:

Aug 1-9:

Exercise: 30k
Diet: Stayed within goal 7 out of 9 days
Meds: 9/9
Salads: Had two with dinner. Did not have two for dinner.
Eating out: Failed miserably at 1 lunch/1 dinner, but still managed to stay in my calories almost every day.

All in all, pretty good, but there's definitely room for improvement this week. I'm ready to go at it again...

Do not adjust your monitor...

Your eyes are fine. It is 11:15 pm, and I did just finish 10 effing k on the treadmill.

10 effing kilometers!

Take that, stupid diet!

7/79

Day 7: Moving along...

Calories: 1478
Exercise: I'm headed to the treadmill after I finish this post, Mom. I promise.
Meds: Check. Good BS numbers all day today! (We'll see what we get after the t5k though).
Mood: TOM makes me insane, angry, and just a full-on bitch. My husband is probably a saint, but I'm too busy being irrational to notice.

Did well today, had salads at two meals. (Not for two meals, but at least I got them in there). Getting on the treadmill both tonight and tomorrow morning because once again, life reers it's ugly head and has plans to interrupt my diet. Read: bridal shower at Bdubs tomorrow.

Wishing more and more that I could just attempt weight loss in a vaccuum, like on The Biggest Loser. No job, no kids (not that I have any, but for those of you who do), no real-life stress, someone to cook for you and shop for you, all the work out equipment you could ever imagine available to you 24 hours a day, just footsteps from your door...

It's a nice little fantasy...anyhoo.

7 down, 72 to go. Keep on keepin' on.

5/79

Day 5: Goin' strong.

Calories: 1427
Exercise: t5k. Fourth time in five days, yeah buddy!
Meds: Check. And good blood sugar numbers today!
Mood: On top of the world lookin' down on creation.

So didn't want to get on that treadmill, but did. I know tomorrow is going to be rough with going out with the MIL, and I'm not sure if I'll have time to work out after. Had to do it today. And I'm glad I did because I feel great.

5 down, 74 to go. (Your love's put me at the top of the world...)

4/79

Day 4: Keep on truckin'.

Calories: 1479
Exercise: t5k. Thought I was gonna die, but made it through.
Meds: Check. Almost forgot, and had to get back up out of bed to take them. BS Checks, check. Highest ever (221) after workout and shower. Must ask doc what that's about.
Mood: Uplifted

So far staying in the calories hasn't been too much of a challenge. That will change tomorrow night when I have dinner with my MIL at The Olive Garden. What to do, what to do?

Hopefully I'm on track for 2.8 pounds by Monday - I think I am. I'm super sore after my t5k yesterday, so tonight I think I'm just going to try not to push it. Maybe not run much, mostly fast walk. We'll see how it goes!

4 down, 75 to go. I'm ready!