Thursday, September 22, 2011

Wherein I go all doom and gloom on your asses...(UPDATE)

I've known that I needed to post a new blog soon, but haven't really had the energy to do it. What I want to blog about is just not pretty or fun, and who wants to waste time writing about things that aren't pretty or fun? More than that, who wants to read about things that aren't pretty or fun?

So here it is.

I am in a dark place right now. I'm having a hard time seeing the light at the end of the tunnel as anything other than an oncoming train. I just haven't had the energy to put any of that elloquently, so when The BFF asked me in an email about what was getting me down and if there was anything she could do to help, this was my reply, and it's now my un-pretty, un-fun, dark places post.

"You can’t do anything. Life is just going through a super sucky period right now, and it sucks. It’s my job, his (lack of a) job, his mom, his mom keeping Bubbers at her house, his mom not coming to our house to help out, us spending too much time at their house, it’s The Hubs and I not having any time or ability to ‘reconnect’, it’s my mom being sick, it’s my dad being sick, it’s my sister being a derelict, it’s my nieces being who knows where, it’s me worrying about Bubbers, it’s me travelling too much, it’s me wanting out of our apartment, it’s me wanting to stay home with Bubbers, it’s me wanting The Hubs to try harder, it’s me worrying about our 3rd anniversary coming up and knowing that there are a million things on my mind rather than thinking about celebrating it, it’s me wishing he were more romantic, more able to show sympathy, a harder worker, smarter, more determined. It’s me feeling absolutely horrible for wishing he were all those things and not focusing on the good things that he is/does. It’s me wishing I had more time to devote to helping you with your wedding and wishing that we didn’t live so far apart, it’s me worrying that your wedding won’t be everything you hoped for but not knowing how to make it so. It’s me wishing certain people would jump off a cliff sometimes, and then feeling horrible about that.

It’s just everything right now. And it’s all bundled up into a nice big fat boulder sitting on my chest with a pretty red bow and a tag saying “To: Anna, Love: The Universe”. And I can’t make it go away."

Sometimes life isn't pretty. This is one of those times.  I'm breathing, and that's all I can really promise you right now, but I know that The Eternal Optimist is still in there somewhere, buried under all the rubble, and that someday she'll find her way out and into the light. And when that happens, I know it won't be the oncoming train.


You know, it's funny how much better I feel after just throwing up all of that horribleness into the vastness of the interwebs and into the arms of the loveliest blog readers a girl could ask for. This is what I assume praying feels like to believers - to just give everything up to God. Thank you all for your kind responses and love. You are my light.


Jack Sh*t, Gettin' Fit said...

Sometimes it's tough not to dwell on the downer stuff because that's what's all up in your grill all the time.

My advice is not to keep it all bottled up, Anna. Communicate with your spouse or these bad feelings are just going to fester and grow. It's unrealistic to expect everything to get better overnight, but there are some things under your control. Take control of them.

Hope your outlook brightens up sometime soon. Best of luck to you.

iateach82 said...

First of all, a thousand hugs to you right now. And kudos to you for verbally getting this off your chest.

If it's any consolation, we all have our dark times. I've gone through about 200 dark times in the last six months. My problem is that I bottle up all that emotion and then take it out on my husband usually.

My advice to you is similar to Jack-o's with your hubs. It may not be a pretty conversation, but it's a conversation the two of you need to have to help you and to help him. More importantly it's to help you two as a couple. You have been blessed with a beautiful son and to be honest, I'm slightly jealous of that (in a good way!).

Work on the things you can work on and unfortunately, you can't fret over the things that are under your control. Be the person you want to be. You have an amazing heart. You've shown that through the support you've given me, someone you've actually never met!!!

Sending you lots of positive thoughts and you can contact me any time to chat!

Anna said...

Thanks you two. It's important to note that I *have* talked with Jack. (My husband, not Jack Sh*t, although that would be funny. lol) We've had these discussions a million times, which, I think, is part of the reason why it's so hard for me right now. I've discussed everything to death and nothing is changing. That's the part that is hardest to deal with.

At any rate, thank you both for your kind words. I know I will make it through, it's just being smack dab in the middle of it that is the hardest part.


Lyndsey said...

I'm so sorry you're having a rough time right now. I can't imagine having a baby, a job that requires travel, and an unemployed husband. That is too much responsibility and stress for one person.

I'm sure you will find your way out of it somehow, and be that much stronger for having survived it.

Tonja said...

Aw Anna! I'm sorry you are going through dark times! But like Lyndsey said, surviving it all will make you stronger. And everyone knows that working moms are super heroes anyway so this will all just make you that much more super when it's all over. I don't know if I can do anything to help you but if I can I will. I don't have many "mom" friends to talk to when I have questions about kid stuff and I know it would be nice to have one, so if I can ever be of any help in that realm (or any other realm) you have my number.

Flabby McGee said...

I think a lot of people are right there with ya. AND they blog about it. Sometimes it's almost a relief to not be the only bummed out person in the world. You're human. I truly hope things get better for you soon - glad to read your update - it DOES help to spill your guts sometimes. Um, figuratively. Not literally. :)

Sammy Sue said...

I just have a couple things to say:
1) I love you!
2) Don't let my wedding stuff stress you out! You have been absolutely wonderful and it's going to end up great!
3) As you always tell me when I'm having a moment (or like 2 months of "moments"): Everything always works out in the end.
4) To quote a song that always makes me think of you: "It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride. Everything, everything will be just fine. Everything, everything will be alright".
5) I LOVE YOU! (It's worth repeating).